There’s a saying that a lot of people find comfort in. I’m sure you’ve heard it before: time heals all wounds. But does it really?
Here at The Thoughts that Bind, I’m all for putting on your big-kid pants and doing the things you’re putting off in order to make your life easier later, like saving money, meditating, and building real connections with others. But there are some things you just can’t prepare for.
Sometimes life kicks you in the teeth. Sometimes you trust people you shouldn’t or something harms you physically, emotionally or spiritually. After these sorts of things, we’re in pain. So what do we do?
Time heals all wounds
It’s then that we seem to get this message coming out of the woodwork. And it’s not without reason. Often, when tragedy strikes, people around us want to come to our aide, but can’t. Sometimes there is nothing anyone can do to make it better, and sometimes they just don’t know how. So they say this.
“Time heals all wounds.” Or “Just give it time to heal.” Or any slew of things like that.
And these people are really well meaning. What they’re really saying to you is, “I’m sorry you’re hurting. I want you to feel better, but I really can’t help that.” In the moment it doesn’t really help much though, does it?
The grain of truth
To bring in another cliché to this article, (because one wasn’t enough), there’s a grain of truth in everything. And this idea is no different.
To some extent, time heals everything. When you get more time in between you and your problem, it becomes less burdensome and seems less important. You sort of add new chapters to your story, and in time it seems less of a pressing matter and more like a part of a greater whole.
There are some things that will just heal completely with time. Like a paper cut does. Some fights just fade away and you realize they don’t matter anymore. In fact, sometimes you realize they never mattered at all.
It’s these moments that you really can see, time did heal that wound entirely. Sometimes we can even tell that this will happen. Even though you’re in the heat of the moment, you can see that this won’t matter in a month or a year. During these times, your best bet is to just ease up. Take a breath and try your best to let it go.
Some wounds need a little more “oomph”
Thing is, not everything can be healed with just time. I’ve said it before, but what actually heals us is changing the end to a painful story. And sometimes, time gives that to us automatically. But sometimes it doesn’t.
There are some things that time just doesn’t heal. Big things. Real things. Small things that trigger something that is big and real to us. And I don’t ever want to tell somebody that their pain, loss or sadness isn’t real. There is always validation here for your feelings.
But you’re going to have to do something in order to be a fully healed person. Well actually, sometimes you have to do a lot of things in order to be fully healed.
How do we heal
There is no one process that will bring everyone to healing, especially since all wounds are different. That being said, I would definitely say there are some prerequisites to healing.
You have to be willing to heal. That means that even though you know yourself to be this one way, you have to agree deep down inside of your being that it’s time to give this up. If you are aware that other people disapprove but you still want to hold onto this wounded paradigm for whatever reason, then you’re not going to heal from it.
You’ll find you get caught up in self-sabotage continually. There is nothing wrong with this, but you have to integrate this decision of walking away over time. Let it solidify and stand resolute in your heart of hearts, because that’s where your power to change will come from.
Another necessary paradigm shift to heal is that you need to believe that it’s possible. A lot of times when we hold onto emotional brokenness, there is some sort of script in our heads that validates “this is the way it should be”. This sort of idea will get you into trouble because if you believe this is normal and necessary, you won’t be able to conceptualize a way out of this pain.
You need to believe that your own transformation is possible. And even better if you can believe it is not only possible, but necessary. This is where our mental prowess will open up, giving us new solutions to old problems. There is an element of creativity to healing, where we need to do more than just step away from old habits, we need to conceive of new ones, to fill the empty space.
Healing actions
So if you’ve achieved the baseline perception shifts, you’re ready for the healing that only you, not time can bring. Here are some things that you can try to bring forth your own healing. You can do any of these without the aforementioned perception shifts, and you may get some results too. (In fact, sometimes pursuing these mediums will even help you make those shifts.) These are just some ideas that have really helped me. You can use them as a jumping off point for yourself, to get your creative juices flowing.
1. Talking
Not everyone has money, time or patience for therapy. That’s okay. And that doesn’t mean that you’re not going to have access to healing.
But you do want to be talking to someone. If it’s not a therapist, then maybe it’s a friend, family, teacher, just somebody who’s willing to listen. Humans are very social creatures and having that support from someone else, just knowing that they’re hearing you, can be very helpful. Dare I say, therapeutic.
2. Journaling
Talking to someone isn’t the only way to explore your voice. Journaling can be a helpful way to get your thoughts and feelings out, and you have more freedom in this medium.
When you journal, you have built your own safe space. You don’t have to worry about making sure things make sense, are organized or are worded in ways that don’t hurt people because nobody has to see it! You can put whatever you want and need in a journal. This is a good, very personalized way to sort through your thoughts and emotions, and address the things that are really eating you, without having to worry about what others may think.
3. Introspection
Any healing journey is going to involve some amount of introspection. Introspection basically just involves looking back through your experiences and actions and asking the questions that need to be asked.
You may want to examine your actions to figure out how much of a part you played in your past problems with others. You could use introspection to analyze how you can avoid a similar situation in the future. Or maybe your introspection is more of a present-focused endeavor where you ask yourself to analyze your own thought patterns. You may be amazed at how fast you can transform just by slowing your own thoughts down and asking, “is that really true” whenever you start to get upset.
4. Laughing
Sometimes we just need a break from the heaviness of life. When you’re on a healing journey, focusing on healing for so long can get overwhelming. Because in focusing on healing, it can turn into focusing on the pain and the fact that you’re not there just yet.
Now I’m not suggesting that you chronically distract yourself or try to laugh your problems away. But I am saying that it’s important to know when to give yourself a break. Turn on a good comedy film or just try to find something to laugh at in every day you live. Laughing will help calm your nerves and literally slow the production of stress hormones made by your body.
Laughing will give you a physical, mental, and emotional break from your problems and provides the rest you need to restore yourself in between epiphanies.
5. Trying new things
Now I know you all may be a bit tired of this cliché as well, but in terms of healing it’s really true. A lot of our chronic emotional pain cycles have to do with reliving and reinforcing our dramas, negative perspectives and old wounds. We build our lives around traditions that sometimes make us miserable. And we don’t even realize it.
It’s time to shake it up. Don’t be so bound to the way things have always been. Visit new restaurants, find new activities and events to enjoy. You may find something that shakes up your perspective. But at the very least, you won’t be dangling old memories and slights in front of your face like a cat toy.
If you want to be made new, you have to insert some new into your day (and your life at large). So make some new memories. Make some new mistakes. And take the calculated risks of being bad at something you’re trying for the first time. This is how we grow, and learn new things about the world around us. This is how we pull ourselves out of pain cycles and into excitement and healing. You want to get so immersed in your daydreams that your nightmares are pulled far far behind you, and prove to yourself that life can be, and is, different now!
A word about healing
I want you to know that if you’re in a dark place, you can get out. It may take a lot, but it’s so worth it to come out the other side and feel so grateful to realize that you were wrong. You didn’t have to hurt over that same old thing forever. It’s like waking up from a bad dream.
And while healing can seem overwhelming and exhausting, don’t fret. You don’t have to do it all right now. You just take each little bit, one at a time. And after each little lesson, you feel a little bit better. Eventually you feel okay, and then good.
Life can be one long healing journey, as you continually shed your wounds and conditioning in order to embrace who you really are. You can take this at your pace. And remember, time does heal some things. So if you’re not having any luck on one subject now, it’s okay to take a break from it, maybe come back to it later with a new perspective that you’ve learned from elsewhere. Never feel like you have to heal on a time crunch or for anyone else.
You can heal. And you can (and should) do it on your terms, when you’re ready for it. Because this life is beautiful, my friend. It will lend you all sorts of opportunities to be made new and whole, of that is what you’re yearning for.
Helpful article!