You know, not everybody gets a mom like I did, so present and involved. And some people lose their mom very early in life. But I’ve spent decades with mine, and we’ve been through some pretty crazy circumstances together in my family. Through it all, my mom has really been there. (At times she was even there more than I hoped she would be.) Because of this, she has taught me a lot in a lot of different ways. Now, I’d like to share those things with you, in hopes that they will help you.
The environment is important
My mother has always been a big advocate for the environment. When I was a kid, I remember her putting together environmental education material for school kids and volunteering for the city environmental board each week.
She believes that everyone is here on this planet together and that we should all do our best to preserve it for both ourselves and the generations yet to come. It is because of her that I know about water conservation, how to recycle my waste, and that recycling isn’t actually the best thing that you can do.
Her passion for treading lightly on our earth is something that I admire and am so glad to have been able to experience and absorb. I’m so grateful to her for opening my eyes to this viewpoint and lovely way of life.
Look out for the little guy
One thing I have never been able to say about my mom is that she’s shy. In fact, she’s a very loud and direct person. She doesn’t find value in mincing words or trying to sugarcoat anything. And as such, when you ask her a question she will tell you the long and the short of it, no hesitation.
And even more than that, she doesn’t believe in speaking only when spoken to. She believes in speaking up—using your voice to stand up for whoever doesn’t have a say. I think over the years this has caused her some pain because people don’t always like to hear about injustice, especially if it is something that they are causing.
My mom has instilled in me the value of truth-telling. There is an element of bravery that it takes to stand up to injustice, to be the buffer between the victim and the tyrant, but there is also deep value in doing the right thing and affecting change. You won’t always make friends, but you will be able to sleep soundly at night.
It’s not about how smart you are, it’s if you use it
Having three daughters with different strengths and weaknesses involved taking a very specific approach to parenting, especially in terms of encouragement. My mom knew that the same achievement could mean very different things to two people.
In terms of performance, it was true that we got pats on the back for doing well in our areas of expertise, but she also made a point of telling us that we did a good job when we did better in our weaknesses due to hard work and determination. She felt that all the talent in the world was wasted if you didn’t make a point of cultivating it.
She knew that she was raising some very bright children, but thought that it was important we knew that our talents didn’t make us better than other kids, and if we didn’t put effort into our lives, even if we performed better than someone else, they were the real winner.
Money isn’t everything
I didn’t grow up with money. In fact, we lived in a trailer park with one income for most of my young memories. You could say that the lesson “there’s more to life than money” was out of necessity, but it wasn’t.
My mother is a very highly educated and capable woman and could have got a job at any time to earn our family some more cash. But until we were all older, she was a stay-at-home mom. She did this because she believed that it was more important to give us kids someone to bond with and be raised by. She cooked and cleaned and played with us and answered all of our curious questions about the world around us.
My mother was always very hard-working and planned everything in advance if she could. She learned how to get us consistently healthy meals for as cheap as possible, she made sure that our birthday parties were amazing and lavish for only a very small sum. She was clever our whole childhood and worked long and hard to make sure we never felt poor or less than even though we didn’t have money.
And over the years, I’ve learned how to be clever and thrifty and make my budget stretch just like her. I know that poor people aren’t lazy and rich people aren’t “better”. I know that you have to look at a person, including yourself, as a whole to understand their finances and their merit. I’ve learned that even with very little money, you can still have a lot of fun and enjoy your life!
If you have the wrong goal it can ruin your life
My mother gave up so much in order for her kids to have a good life, and sometimes, I think maybe she gave up too much. By that I mean, I think my mom got lost at some point and felt she had to rely on others to tell her what the goalposts were to being a good family.
For instance, even though she was in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage, her religion and background told her that divorce was wrong and that broken homes make broken kids, and so she stayed for years. She made staying her goal, instead of remembering that the goal was the happiness. It was a bad situation for her, us kids, and really everyone involved.
I think we all do this sometimes. Like, we start on a weight loss regime so that we can look and feel better and healthier but then we forget and make weight loss alone the goal. Then we end up doing stupid diets that make us feel awful.
It’s important to keep in touch with why you are doing what you are doing, or you risk your goals shifting to something that’s off the mark. If you don’t, then you’ll find yourself in the awful situation of getting everything you thought you wanted and still being utterly unhappy.
Sometimes good people do “bad things”
My mom and I are very different people and sometimes different people have different ideas about what’s right or wrong, and what’s important. I think that we’ve both disappointed each other a lot over the years, and caused each other a lot of pain.
I never could understand during these moments why she would make the decisions she did. And I think to some extent, I never will. On paper, she was a very compassionate, moral person, and yet it seemed like she was just fine with hurting me and leaving me struggling.
This comes back to a point I’ve addressed before on this site, which is the fact that different circumstances will affect people different ways. There is no way of telling what someone else’s motivation for doing something is and how extremely they are being stretched. Just because some moral or personal issue is obvious to you doesn’t mean that everyone else feels the same way. They don’t. Even objectively “good” people.
I think accepting this fact will be a lifelong journey for me, but my mom has gotten the ball rolling for me with a plethora of golden examples. All we can do in our lives is try to communicate our side as clearly and respectfully as possible, hope that others are willing to support us and do our best to work through it alone if they can’t or won’t.
Other people can’t heal for you
In my long exploration of mental health and wellness, my mom was a major driving force. She researched and found me many institutions, treatments and individuals, drove me to appointments always on time or early, and always checked in with me if I was following my treatment plans and doctor’s instructions. She was extremely diligent, if not overly involved.
In fact, she put so much personal effort and stake into my recovery, it was very distressing for her when I had any setback or challenge. I needed space to heal and grow and change, and she needed to see it happening in front of her face to know that she was doing her job as a mom.
And yet, no matter how much work she put into my mental and emotional recovery, her support was never able to heal me. She wasn’t the only one behind me either. One of my counselors once told me that all of us just wished that there could be a magic wand to wave and suddenly make me better, but that’s just not how it works.
She was right. Healing is hard work, and while it’s nice to have support in the form of family, friends, loved ones and professionals, you have to do the work yourself. You need to be brave enough to face your feelings and acknowledge your thoughts, habits, and situation for what they are. No amount of support or love can do the inner work for you.
Caring is not always an asset
My mom is an extremely caring and warm person. She is always ready and willing to assist anyone in need however she is able—whether that is helping find them resources or items or getting them in contact with key people, if you need help, she’s ready and willing to pour her time and resources into you.
I’m proud to be her daughter, in this way. I am not willing to have a hardened heart, even when I’m hurt or offended. But I’ve seen the damage it can do. Sometimes even though you care deeply about someone, there’s nothing you can do to help them.
There are people in this world who are just takers, and as long as you give, they will take and take. And outside of that, there are also people who just aren’t willing to put the work into themselves and change their situation.
When you meet people like these, you need to understand that it is not your responsibility to save anyone. You may want to help people, and you have a beautiful heart for wanting that, but all you can do is your best. If you’re running yourself into the ground trying to save and fix and take care of others, there won’t be anything left, for you or anyone else.
People with big hearts need to learn how to say no to things that aren’t good for them, identify if someone is a person they can’t help, and be honest with themselves about what is truly their responsibility and within their abilities to solve. Don’t stretch yourself too thin or let people take advantage of you. Making boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care or you’re not a good person. It means you know your limits and want to maintain your kindness for the sake of everyone involved.
If you have a question or need help, just ask
I’ve heard the cliché that men don’t ask for directions so frequently, I can’t help but roll my eyes when someone says it. But my mom has always been a huge proponent of asking for help when you need it. When it came to school, work, or personal situations, her advice was always the same, “just make sure you keep asking questions”.
Asking questions is a great strategy for keeping misunderstandings at bay, keeping clarity of expectations and really just puts everyone at ease. When you ask questions, you let other people in on your mental conversation and you keep a very approachable and agreeable image, not to mention you feel more at peace, because you know that you’re doing things the way you’re supposed to.
A lot of people are afraid or embarrassed to ask questions. They think it shows weakness or low social status. However, they couldn’t be more wrong. Asking questions shows the people around you that you are someone who cares—about getting things done, about people’s feelings, and about the world around you. It shows that you are a good person to work with and that you want to be knowledgeable in your life.
So no, asking questions is not a weakness. It’s a strength. The world is yours when you humble yourself enough to accept you don’t know everything, and open yourself to the answers and solutions all around you.
Throwing a fit will never change your reality
Not having money, there wasn’t an opportunity to become the stereotypical spoiled child that we see frequently today. But even more than that, in society today we see a lot of entitlement. A lot of people, when they don’t get handed want they want, they get upset. They whine and complain about how it isn’t fair and they deserve more but honestly, reality is that you don’t deserve everything in life just because you want it, and throwing a tantrum isn’t the way to get it.
As a kid, whining wasn’t tolerated. If you asked for what you wanted and you were told no, that was the answer. There was no screaming and crying or puppy dog eyes that would change the outcome. Now as an adult, there is no one to veto what I can and can’t have out of what I want, but I still get told no about all sorts of things. When the answer is no, I know that I have to either accept it, understand the situation better, or sometimes just simply work harder.
This understanding and skill has grown into a great strength for me. I am quite well adjusted and more willing to do what it takes to achieve my goals. In other words, one step closer to unstoppable.
Next time someone tells you no, remember that throwing a tantrum will get you nowhere. Learn more about the situation and commit to working harder instead of trying to emotionally manipulate others into giving you what you desire. You’ll see that you’ll be much more successful, and even more respected by others.
People will try to tell you how to live your life, and you have to deal with it
It’s a pretty common theme with parents and children, and my mom is no different. She wants the best for me, and at times, has a very clear idea of what that might be. And as you already know, she makes her opinions quite clear.
I’ve realized that over the years, I’m never going to stop her from caring which means I also can’t stop her opinions of me and my life. This actually translates into a lot of pain for us, because we have such radically different ideas of what the world is like and what kind of life is ideal.
But in all this, I’ve also learned something else. Her opinion of me will never be able to change the reality of who I am and what I want. In a broader sense, I’ve learned that I’m the one who has to be proud of me for my accomplishments because there’s no guarantee that anyone else will see things my way.
When you’re an adult, you get to have your own life that may or may not resonate with other people. And if you observe life deeply enough to know what you want and work hard enough to get it, then you’d better be there to pat yourself on the back when you’re living your dream, regardless of if others approve or not.
Our lives on this earth can be so short. Don’t waste the ambiguous amount of time you have left being ashamed of who you are and tucking your tail when you find others that disagree.
Caring for yourself is transformative
My mom, like many others, has gotten into the habit of putting other people first. It’s a mix of her past experiences and being a mother, but as she finds her kids all grown up, it leaves her wondering what about her and her life dreams?
So she’s starting taking her needs and wants seriously. She’s started self care and introspection, and I have to say, the difference is night and day. She’s become happier, healthier and better at intuitively interacting with people.
And when I say she’s happier, it’s not just an observation or projection I’ve made based on what she’s getting done or considering doing, she herself has remarked about how much happier she is this way. The lovely thing is, it’s opening her up to being able to give more, which she loves. But it’s not just giving. It’s giving from a good place in her heart, where she doesn’t have to run herself ragged and become resentful due to her over-giving.
We can all have this transformation for ourselves. By learning to care for ourselves, we start giving from a “full cup”, as they say. We are able to willingly and lovingly give, and give and achieve more than we ever thought we could. This is because we feel better about ourselves and we’re getting our needs met. This is how you get out of your own way. And when you get out of your own way, amazing things start to happen.
You don’t need to get credit for every amazing thing
Like entitled people that need to get their way, there are a lot of attention hogs out there. People want to be recognized for their accomplishments, and seen as good, capable and admirable people. Some even try to take credit for things that weren’t their doing at all.
I’m so lucky to have had a good example of the opposite in my mom. She’s always seen herself as what she calls a “hole-filler”, which is basically just to say that if someone has a good idea but no one to execute it, there she is. If someone is trying to get something done but it’s a little outside their area of expertise, guess who’s ready to help?
Even more so, she takes a non-attention-seeking approach to all of this. She believes, due to her religion, that you should not “let your left hand see what your right hand is doing” (bible quote), and that we are in fact, meant to be our brother’s keeper (biblical reference). So she wants to help people, but is not concerned about getting credit for all of the help that she provides or even all of the things she’s achieved.
I think this outlook is Christianity at its finest, and in this instance, helps her (and anyone else who follows it) to be a better person. This perspective also helps you work with others more positively. It even helps you achieve more in the long run, I think.
If you’re constantly looking for a pat on the back, then you may never really fulfill your soul’s purpose. Because guess what? Not everyone is going to approve of the things that are most important to you and your life. Also, there is a danger in complacency. We want so badly to feel good about ourselves that we try to get that validation chronically. Sometimes, when we build ourselves up with stories, we become blind to the truth. No matter who we are, we still have a long way to go. Don’t let your ego interfere with your progress as a person.
You don’t have to think that you’re perfectly amazing all the time to love and like yourself. Don’t try to elevate yourself in this way. Instead, continue to work hard on instituting the habits and character you wish to have in yourself, and let the natural pride that comes with succeeding at that quietly fill your personal confidence bank. It’s so much more satisfying, I promise you.
Thank you, Mom
I want to say thank you to my mom for giving me life and for being there for me throughout my growing up years. We haven’t always seen eye to eye, and we still don’t. But you have taught me so much, both by instruction and by watching you. I want you to know that I love you so much and I don’t take the sacrifices you’ve made over the years lightly.
I don’t know if your mom sees your blogs, but show her this one. it was very touching! <3