I’m talking to you today from a viewpoint that is complex. So let’s let our conversation reflect the nuance, okay? But today we’re going to address gender roles, how they shape our lives, and what benefits and constraints they give us.
Ancient gender roles
To orient ourselves to the subject, suppose we go back to the dawn of mankind. Once we evolved from apes and became a different sort of species, humans created a different social structure. Something more rigid than other animals.
Our hunter and gatherer societies did thrive for a while, with a clear division of labor. The men as hunters and women as gatherers, which in time became cultivators. For our more “primitive” ancestors, it was simple logic to look at the usual differences in the bodies of the sexes, as well as temperaments. Then tasks and roles were assigned based on whoever was biologically better suited to the jobs. (Not based on who would like them more or be actually better at them.)
And over time, this system evolved. This was due to a variety of factors like our skills as cultivators grew and overtook hunting and gathering. Why go out and find wild herds to kill (and possibly die yourself in the process) when you could just raise them yourself, and slaughter whenever you saw fit? Also, as the better systems allowed for better and more predictable nutrition, our brains grew too. Which changed our capacity to understand more advanced concepts, like larger societal structures.
Over the eons, we liked to innovate where we were interested, but stick to tradition for the most part. Tradition, overall, was what kept us alive and relatively safe. And such was the case for gender roles. Although they too developed and shifted over time along with everything else in our daily life, largely, they’ve remained the same.
Gender roles in emerging modern outlooks
When we look back into more modern history, the 1950’s was an iconic time for innovations, societal structure, and also for specific expectations of the everyman (or woman). 1950’s Americans mastered the art of the public service announcement, and got very involved and invested in making instruction videos and upholding its citizens to the unwritten rules of the social classes.
Within these sets of rules we found things like grooming, manners and science based information on how the physical world works (or how it was believed to at the time). However, we also would not be hard pressed to find the expectations for how people were to mold their lives. As a good, moral citizen, likely a good churchgoing citizen, and as a man or woman.
Men were to be strong, emotionally stable. They were supposed to focus on developing their minds and bodies, in order to groom themselves to become good heads of households as well as heads of society. It was their job to be the breadwinners, thought leaders, and the emotional rocks of their communities.
Women, however, were trained very differently. They were expected to be skilled in homemaking—cooking, cleaning, mending clothes and the like. It was assumed that they were interested in beauty—making themselves as appealing as possible in hopes that a man would snap her up. Then she would be able to fulfill her supposed dream of having children, raising them, and tending to the house her husband owned.
In these days, hobbies were allowed, for both genders. As long as they didn’t interfere with your purpose in life. That is to say, as long as it didn’t change the fact that you were playing by these rules, dictating these same scripts. These were roles that people were trained for even as small children, with no consideration of whether they were interested in them or not.
Back to today
The society we live in is very different from back in the day. In many ways we are moving away from old expectations, in a largely positive way. No longer are women expected to take the full load of the family, and men be the strong silent type.
Today more than ever, society begs people to be who they truly are, suggesting that your interests and hobbies are a more convincing explanation for your identity rather than what body you were born with.
And as far as identity goes, we have come a long way from the mostly intolerant society of the 1950’s. Not to say we’re without problems, but now more than ever, people who don’t align with the expected cisgender heterosexual identity are accepted for who they are. With that, I think the movement has provided everyone some freedom.
As we begin to expand our ideas of what makes up a person’s gender and sexual or romantic orientation, we start to see that these roles, for more people than we thought, are suffocating. If a person’s gender is more than what body they were born with, then so too can be their interests and life path.
Because of this wonderful paradigm shift, we find more and more people are being emboldened to pursue their interests and dreams. Nurturing men, business women, and people who teach us that there are identities beyond “man” or “woman”. Ultimately, we’re seeing people living more authentic, fulfilling lives. This opening of the common mind is beautiful, and the benefit that each of us gets as an individual is the unbridled support of the masses to be who we are and follow our bliss. Definitely a life well lived.
The bravery it takes
So with all of these positive outcomes of embracing a broader view of ourselves and society, we might start to wonder why we didn’t just do this sooner. Old habits definitely die hard, especially when they’re embraced by the whole human race for thousands of years. We like our traditions. Because as a whole, they keep us safe and give us something to measure our time by.
More than that though, I think more people clung to the roles that society handed them for a deeper reason. Embracing yourself for who you are required you to know who you are. And, by and large, we haven’t. Not for a really long time.
To break out of the role given to you by society involves realizing yourself as a piece of something greater in a new sense, not just within societal obligation. You have to have something new to turn to, in order to fully turn away from the very loud doctrine of the past. And that’s hard to do.
Benefits of gender roles
I don’t believe that all gender roles should be scorned and abolished. Not for everyone, at least. Growing up, I met many traditional families. The husband worked outside of the home, generating an income. The wife stayed at home, cooking and cleaning and raising the kids. In some instances, even becoming their school teacher.
For some individuals, this system works. The people I’ve found who are genuinely drawn to a more traditional path find that it suits them, at least for a period of time. And that experience is not without merit.
In fact, another reason why these roles were so widespread for so long is that they are logistically sound. Real, daily struggles and tasks are accounted for, and the individuals involved know what is their responsibility or not. This system is rightfully considered as such: a system.
Like a football team where each player has their specific position that they play. For some, this system of traditional roles works rather well, and they shouldn’t be looked down upon for confirming to a pre-assembled system that works well for them, if it does, in fact, work well for them and their life.
What’s right for me?
So how do we begin to find ourselves in the midst of all this chaos? Well, I think there are two aspects to this. Learning who you are when you’re alone (it seems society is pushing this mantra rather well lately), and learning who you are in conjunction with others.
For instance, maybe you as a person are very intelligent or strong, with a good work ethic. But you also have a kind heart, and want to nurture those around you. Depending on who you are with in terms of friends, family and loved ones, different circumstances will fill different needs for you, and you might find that one side of you is completely fulfilled with something different than most would expect it to need.
If you are in a partnership and your partner gets ill, you may need to take time off work to take care of them, or get a second job to make up for the income loss. But when you’re a part of a team, life strategy is based on you as a unit, not as an individual. Who you are hasn’t changed, but due to circumstances, your role in this relationship has. And that’s normal.
One important thing for you to remember is that life is long and will see you through numerous phases. What may be right for you now on a personal and interpersonal basis, won’t be the same later. Even the stereotypical 1950’s housewife went through different phases in life: young bride, mother, empty-nester. We need to allow for life to flow through us instead of just subscribing blindly to the ideals of society, now or then.
Remember too, there is such a thing as balance. If you carry all of the groceries for your wife, how can you also open the doors for her? Ultimately your life should be about who you are as a person, the people you wish to share your life with, and the harmony that you’re able to find together. Whether it fits the gender norms or society’s flashy messages of wealth and vision boards doesn’t matter as long as you are happy and healthy.
Exploring life in a grounded, expanded way
So who are you when you’re alone? What values, goals, and needs do you have? To feed your personal identity, make a point of improving your skills, habits and knowledge base. And remember to keep feeding your soul by learning about and participating in the things that interest you. This way you can keep life interesting and exciting, outside of your chosen job.
In terms of the roles you play, who do you spend time with? Who do you love and care about, and what are their values, needs, and goals? It is not your job to make sure that they get everything they want or deserve out of life, but in your relationship to them, you act as a sort of team. See what you both can do in order to support one another.
These two perspectives, taken together, will often make clear a big part of who you are today. This will give way to the ideas and causes you contribute to with your time and effort. Some will fit gender stereotypes, like devoted mother, or career man, and others will not. The beautiful challenge of our lives today is leaning to embrace both sides of ourselves: the part that fits societal norms, and the part that doesn’t.
You’re going to see changes
And as for your life path, know that as you grow and change, it will alter and evolve, just as it’s supposed to. You’ll learn skills and lessons along the way. If you apply discipline to yourself, you will see consistent improvement in different areas of your abilities. This growth, while giving you a sense of earned satisfaction, necessitates changes in your life. This is not to be judged or met with disappointment. Instead, embrace a sense of openness and excitement for what is next to come.
Take your next step with care and consideration of who you are and how it fits for your life and those in it. Don’t be ashamed if it breaks the confines of expectations or if it looks clichéd. Whatever your life looks like now, make it fit you and the ones that you care for, not some larger ideology.
