Pursuing Happiness–my latest realization

  Coping is insidious. I know that I’m Miss “It’s time for you to feel your emotions”, but honestly, I get caught up in it too, sometimes. 

   I tell myself that just for now, in this moment, my feelings are too messy. So I bottle them up, with the intention of dealing with them later. That intention isn’t entirely without merit. I’ve definitely done it before, where I just compartmentalized my thoughts and fears and feelings until I felt safe enough to bring them out. But I’m starting to realize that this approach, after a while, becomes a slippery slope. 

The problem with distractions

   The truth is, I’ve been trying to distract myself from my real thoughts and feelings regarding certain subjects for a while, whether that be my family or my job. I think during my recovery from PTSD, I learned a subtext that no longer serves me anymore. In a way, I was taught that if something is hurting you now and you’re somehow dependent on that thing, then you should repress it until you’re not dependent on it anymore. And once you’re far enough away, then you can start to deal with it.

   I learned this because dealing with my abuser while still having them in my life was messy at best. Going to school while being bullied just served to further this narrative, and then past that, it bled into my other relationships. But you know what? There’s a problem with this whole mentality. 

   When something is messy, that often means that it really needs to be dealt with. Honestly, I’m starting to learn my lesson. My vulnerability around certain people and things is nothing to be ashamed of or hide. But it’s also not something I should be using as an excuse to ignore my own wants and needs. 

Owning my needs

   I know now that I am a person who craves the companionship and support my partner gives me, someone who needs to be generating an income of some sort, and someone who longs to have the complexity of a life where my soul is being fed. But I’m not going to cling to the things that are my current sources of that, because I know that my life is about to change. And it’s going to keep on changing over the years because that’s what life is!

   I’ve been putting off my needs for so long in so many ways, because I thought that that was what was necessary for me to survive, be liked and be considered a good person. It’s about boundaries but it’s also about being honest with yourself. And I haven’t been, not for a long time. 

   I used to say that I didn’t know how to dream. In fact, I didn’t even know what I wanted. I now know that that wasn’t even close to being true. I just wasn’t willing to let myself see it, because I was scared. (If you’re dealing with that, you can check out my post about learning to dream again after trauma or emotional upheaval. )

   I was scared that someone would get angry with me, that I wouldn’t be able to have what I wanted, that if I admitted to myself that I wanted something, that meant I was a failure. Kind of like a misunderstanding of Buddhist teachings that I was never given. 

Newsflash–People have wants and needs

   The fact is, wanting something, needing something new and different in your life doesn’t make you a bad person. I think the founding fathers were very wise when they said that everyone is entitled to the pursuit of happiness. And as much as we rattle that off in a trite fashion along with other purported rights that we have, I think a lot of us don’t stop and consider what that means. It’s something you have to take personal responsibility for. In fact, a lot of us, purposefully or not, bar ourselves from that very thing. 

   I’m not going to let myself slip into this “poor me” thing again. I need to take personal responsibility over myself. My actions, my words, my choices. If I don’t stand up for myself and my needs, then nobody else will, and no matter what I’m doing, even if it offers tertiary benefits, is a waste of my time. And you know what you call multiple wastes of time added up? A wasted life. 

Don’t be so scared that you waste your life!

   I’ve wasted so much life just trying to ignore my own needs and survive, but I think that’s what kills us inside. That’s why as much as I’ve been a physically healthy person, my brain has been a mess to navigate. It’s time to get selfish, because I am the center of my life. Instead of looking at other’s needs and ignoring my own, I need to get more comfortable with living my life for myself. And maybe you do too.

   How many things have you been putting off until the right time, even though you know that the time will never be perfect? How many dreams have you let fall away because you were scared that someone wouldn’t approve? I’m here to tell you to stop. You can’t please anyone, because you cannot change anyone’s thoughts. Except your own. 

   And it’s funny enough because it seems like the people who are most universally admired are also the ones who were most comfortable with the disapproval of the people they knew. Maybe, subconsciously, that’s why. We all wish that we could be a little braver, shine a little brighter. The good news is, we can. We all have that capability within us. Even you, dear reader. 

We all have excuses

   Think you’re too old? Think again. Too young? Don’t make me laugh! Ugly, short, inexperienced, whatever you excuses are, your soul is more than that. Your power within is stronger than that. It’s time for us to stop with the excuses and start with our action—it’s high time we started living life out loud and pursuing our goals in earnest. Whether others believe in us, or not. Even if they don’t approve or understand. It’s time to stop wasting our lives and start living them, for real. All the layers of masks and fears and excuses are just time wasters, ticking away the clocks of our lives. When you’re old and dying, what kind of life story do you want to look back on? 

   So for this reason, I’m going to start calling myself out when I see my own cowardice and codependent nature rearing its’ head. I’m not interested in wasting this life that I’m so lucky to be given. I’m going to start making the hard choices, and honoring my own time and needs first, in order to live the life that I’ve always been told I’m capable of. In order to live my dreams. I hope that you start to do the same. Life is too short to live any other way, and honestly, the world needs you. There are contributions that only you can make, and if you’re constantly holding yourself back, you won’t make them either! I can’t wait to see what you can do for this world.