Gosh, it seems like everyone is bugging you about your eating these days, doesn’t it? It’s like, mind your own business people! Besides, you’re perfectly fine. You know, but deep down inside, something is bugging you just a little bit. You think about food a lot, and you know that you’re eating a little bit differently than others. You’d never admit it to anyone but you’re starting to think that maybe you have a problem.
For just a moment here, let’s use a really strong word: eating disorder. You may not even have one. But, they are notoriously sneaky and thinking it through is important to figuring this out. So entertain this thought just for now, do you have an eating disorder? Well, here are some things to look for that might tip you off that your food relationship is not entirely healthy.
You think about food a lot
It’s normal, actually, to think about food “a lot”. After all, we eat multiple times a day, we’re advertised food all the time and we have to make so many decisions about it during the planning and preparing of it. And obviously, everyone needs to eat. So how do you know if you’re thinking about it too much?
If you can’t focus on your regular day, it’s too much. If it’s effecting your work or school or close relationships, it’s too much. If you can’t make yourself pay attention to what’s going on around you because you’re planning your next weeks’ worth of meals, or desperately trying to figure out how to burn off what you ate, then it’s too much. If you were honest with yourself and you would use the word “obsession”, then it’s too much.
But it’s not just about the time you spend thinking about food. It’s also the emotion behind it. If thinking about food makes you at all nervous or scared or angry, then that’s a problem. Healthy people don’t feel those things when planning out their meals.
You play the numbers game down to the very last calorie
Everyone knows that to maintain a healthy weight you need to have a balance of calorie intake vs. calorie expenditure. And to lose weight, you need to be burning more calories than you’re taking in. There are forms of healthy weight loss, to be sure. But are you an expert at all this stuff?
If you know exactly how many calories are in a slice of bread or an apple, or you know exactly how long you need to run to burn 100 calories, you might be verging on obsession. When you have a background of weight loss or fitness in general, it may be a little less black and white. But a person with a healthy mindset doesn’t need to know exactly how many calories they burned doing jumping jacks at 1AM. Which seques nicely into the next point.
You are hiding something
Eating and getting exercise are both healthy things to do, and nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. But if you’re doing these things in secret, you may have a problem.
Maybe you’re not even sure why you’re hiding it. But when you’re eating a snack and you hear someone coming, you get the urge to leave for the bathroom, or to put your food away really quick. This is a red flag that something’s up in your subconscious.
You may be worried about someone judging you for taking care of yourself, or feel like you don’t deserve to be healthy. Or maybe you’re doing something that you know isn’t good subconsciously and you don’t want to be caught. Regardless, feeling the need to hide your eating or exercise from others (strangers or loved ones) is a big tip-off that something might be wrong.
You are skipping meals or throwing up on purpose
Everyone gets into weird days where it feels like schedules just don’t line up and you end up missing a meal or snack here and there. And equally healthy is the infrequent indulgence of some sort of treat or slight overeating session. But you know what isn’t healthy? Skipping meals on purpose or throwing up after eating more than you think you “should”.
These behaviors can be quite insidious as we try to make justifications for them. Maybe you were really stressed out and busy, so that pack of almonds in your bag just seemed too bothersome. Maybe you really were feeling sick to your stomach, you just didn’t want to wait until you had to throw up so you decided to move it along quicker. But making yourself throw up and skipping meals when there’s food around is not okay.
You don’t need to feel guilty for doing these things. But you do need to identify there is a problem and work to fix it so that your life and your body don’t pay the price. Which, may happen in the not-so-distant future. You may be presenting as healthy now, but these habits have a way or destroying the health you have, sometimes rapidly.
“Three meals a day plus snacks will make you gain weight”
People say all the time that it’s normal and healthy to eat three meals a day plus snacks. But is it really? I mean, they don’t look supermodel thin so are they really the ones you want to be taking advice from?
If these concerns sound like something you’d say, then you might want to do a little brain check. Sometimes our brains make really good rationalizations for why we shouldn’t change our ways, like skepticism and critical thinking. But sometimes we’re just making excuses.
The fact is that healthy people can and do eat often. If eating like a “normal” person scares you or would make you gain a lot of weight, then it’s possible that you’re not as healthy as you might think you are.
It’s true that different diets work for different people, but if you think that you have to be radically different in order to maintain a healthy or “good” weight, that is something to look into. Why might you feel that way?
People were complimenting you on your weight loss, but now they aren’t
Maybe you started out as someone who was overweight. You used willpower and consistency to lose weight, and you were so proud of yourself! Everyone else was too, in fact, and they all loved telling you about it. You loved hearing how great you look after losing those fifteen pounds (or however much), and you wanted to keep hearing it.
At some point though, even though you kept losing weight, people stopped telling you how good you look. Maybe they’ve even started asking you if you’re feeling okay, because they think you might be sick. I’m not advocating for taking other people’s comments as the gold standard for how to feel about yourself and your body. People can say some pretty messed up things. But if you were getting all sorts of support in your weight loss and now you’re not, there might be a good reason for that.
You know you’re at (or under) a healthy weight, but you still want to lose
Everyone has insecurities. It’s incredibly common to have a “fat day” where you just feel bloated, uncomfortable and like your body is negatively on display. But if feeling like you should be losing weight is a chronic thing for you even though you know that medically it’s not necessary, you have a problem.
We can get into this mindset where it seems like our weight is a large part of our worth as a person. And no matter how many times the media may try to affirm this sentiment, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Logically, we know it’s bonkers. We know that we care about our friends because of their kind heart, thoughtful personality, wisecracking jokes. But somehow, when it comes to our own value, things get distorted pretty easily.
If you have this self-esteem conundrum, even on its own, it is worth facing head on and examining for what it is. (A boldface lie that you’ve been brainwashed into believing from various sources.)
It’s important for you to learn what your triggers are, where you learned this idea, how to express your true self, and also where your value as a human being really lies. Learn to tap into your true gifts that you have to offer the world besides your appearance! Whether that is with therapy, heart to hearts with loved ones, or a solo journey, it is incredibly important work.
Something feels out of control
You may not be underweight, or even losing weight. There are more kinds of eating disorders that don’t have to do with undereating or malnourishment. In fact, some people with eating disorders are overweight and use overeating or bingeing as a coping mechanism, which is integral to their eating disorder. A lot of people think that if they’re overweight, they “couldn’t have an eating disorder”, but this is simply not true.
A good way to sniff out if you may have an eating disorder, regardless of your weight and its trajectory, is to ask yourself if you feel out of control around food. The idea that control has anything to do with food can be a great indicator of an eating disorder on its own. (Whether it is one of restriction, bingeing, or really any symptom set.) If food makes you feel out of control, or you think you are out of control around food, something has gone wrong.
Ask yourself some new questions. “Do I worry I will eat too much?” “When I eat, do I feel like I can’t stop?” “Do I feel at war with my body and appetite?” These questions will help you get to the cruxt of the issue you have with food, in many cases. That is, if you have the courage to answer them. And I promise, if your answer to any of them is a yes, it doesn’t have to stay that way. There is a better way of living life, and you can find it.
So I have a problem, what now?
By this point you may have realized that your relationship with food is unhealthy to a certain degree. That’s a good first step but it’s not the same thing as a diagnosis. At this point you will want to seek out a doctor or your local eating disorder clinic to assess and diagnose you as needed.
You may think this is a sudden and drastic measure, and in some ways it is. The earlier an eating disorder is detected though, the better treatment works. And having an eating disorder can really screw up your life. When left unchecked, it can lose you friends, hair, mental clarity, inner peace, body heat, bodily function, and even your life. That statement seems like a shock tactic, but it’s true. Eating disorders kill, they are truly that serious.
Once you are diagnosed (or not, it’s possible your problem isn’t a full-blown eating disorder yet), you can create a game plan. There are many kinds of treatment that you can get involved in, with varying degrees of intensity.
Talk therapy
Therapy is really a general catch-all, and there are many kinds of it. The general idea is that you sit down with a professional and talk. Usually therapy appointments are once a week. They are used to give you a safe place to vent, examine your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and learn how to cope with feelings of distress.
You may get into CBT or DBT, which are both methods of learning how to disrupt undesirable behaviors. Or you may go for a more classic counseling to just get things off your chest. Just remember, therapy is about you, getting better. (You can find my articles about starting therapy and its’ limitations on this site by following this link here.)
Dietitian visits
Many eating disorder clinics will give you a mandatory meeting with a dietitian. At least in the beginning of your recovery. This is a good chance for you to get objective information about what you’re eating right now. And you will also learn what you need to be eating to become a healthy, functioning human being.
You can also seek out a dietitian on your own, in order to get this objective information. But remember, it is not a dietitian’s job to tell you what you want to hear. (Even if it is very important to you to believe that you are healthy.) A dietitian is paid to tell you the good and the bad of your habits, as they are. Remember to not take your frustrations out on them for simply relaying facts to you.
Group therapy
Group therapy and support groups can be a helpful process for some, because of the connection, and the ability to relate your experiences to someone else. It can be helpful in making friends who understand you, as well as getting new perspectives on old problems.
In group therapy it is important to fit into the group dynamic. There may be certain rules you have to follow to avoid being triggering to others. It is also important to remember that each meeting is supposed to benefit more than just you, unlike individual therapy. Letting others talk and helping them out with their problems is a part of the experience too.
If you find a group that you fit in with, group therapy can be an incredible way to go about recovery.
Inpatient treatment
The most intensive place to go to recover is inpatient treatment. This may be in a special wing of the hospital or an eating disorder clinic. The reason someone might need to go to inpatient treatment is if they cannot make enough progress in their recovery on their own.
In inpatient treatment, you are supervised. Your meals and days are planned out for you, and it is imperative that you follow the rules. If you’ve found regular outpatient treatment to be insufficient, you may want to try inpatient treatment for a little bit, in order to lay a base to build the rest of your recovery journey on.
In inpatient treatment, you are fed to nourish your body, learn about healthy habits and coping mechanisms in order to deal with eating disorder thoughts that lead to behaviors. It is a necessary step for some, and a good option to exercise if needed.
Will I ever be fully recovered?
Recovery is a long twisting road, with many bumps and nuances. You have to come to terms with the fact that you need to be in this for the long term. It is simply necessary to get better.
That said, it’s common to feel like you’re never going to be a regular, healthy person in your relationship with food. It can lead you to ask in desperation, “will I ever be completely recovered?!” There are different schools of thought on this question, but with the intention of trying to honor the place you may be in right now, I’m going to do my best to answer honestly.
This eating disorder will always be a part of you. You will never be able to revert back to the person before your life was turned upside down. Although that may seem discouraging, it can be a good thing! You may not be able to eradicate this illness from your experience, but you can attempt to fully embody the “after” snap shot. And that’s what I consider a full recovery.
When you hit any sort of recovery or rehab really hard there is a great potential for personal growth. You learn a lot about yourself, healthy habits, and sometimes even unhealthy habits that have become so normalized in society. In a lot of ways, you have the potential to become even more healthy and at peace than the average person. Once you know how your brain plays tricks on you, you can avoid the traps more efficiently.
What is the aim of recovery?
I think the goal for recovery is threefold. Firstly, restoring your body to proper health and function. Secondly, eradicating eating disorder behaviors as far as possible. And thirdly, learning about yourself. They say that true self knowledge automatically lends itself to self love, and on the whole I have found that to be true.
I don’t think that you’re fully recovered when you purge the last time or skip the last meal of your life. I think that true recovery is when you know what you’re doing, you know why you’re doing it, and you love yourself enough to work towards another way. This is what makes the behaviors stop, and ultimately, what gets and keeps you truly mentally and emotionally healthy.
A day in the life of a recovered person
In recovery, you will eventually get to a point where a normal day means that you don’t have to worry about your food choices. You make good, healthy choices, and have fun doing it. And as simple of an objective as that may sound, it is so worth it. That room in your life spent worrying about food and your weight frees up so much life for you, and so much peace. You get to connect to the people you care about more fully, and they have an easier time connecting with you, because you’re more present. You can get there.
This doesn’t mean you’ll never struggle again with eating disorder thoughts, or even behaviors. Life stressors will pop up, and you may have to remind yourself that “that’s not how I deal with things anymore”. But you will have enough of a base to build on that you’ll be able to catch yourself spiraling, and decide on a different path forward. And you’ll remember that this doesn’t have to be your identity or destiny, just a little blip in the screen of your life. When you choose not to go back to your eating disorder, you’re choosing life. And there is so much life out there for you, friend!
It takes courage to face your fears, and it takes bravery in order to even think about recovering. Do it for yourself, do it for real, and do it for the long term. You are brave, you are strong, and you are not alone. I’m so proud of you.
