So I’ve had a couple relationships, and struggles that came with them. I am now coming to terms with the fact that I am in so much love with someone who, frankly, pushes me to expand how I see life. My partner can be annoying, loving, comforting, and all of the above in the span of a day, and so far this has been the best relationship I have ever had. I’ve learned so much over these past couple years, and I would really like to share some of the lessons with you.
1. It’s okay to have an unconventional life
If you and your partner are two very different people, the solutions that work for you may seem strange to others. That’s an understatement.
But here’s the thing. Your life is about you, and if you find what truly works for the both of you, then that’s what matters. Don’t let other people convince you otherwise. Your life is precious, and if you’ve found a solution that makes you both happy then it’s nobody else’s business what goes on in the privacy of your own home, your bank statements, or your camera reels.
2. Sometimes it’s not about finding a better person, it’s about being one
It’s easy to overlook your flaws in hopes of avoiding dealing with them. We hope that if we ignore them, they might just dissipate or that our partner may be able to bridge the gap for us as a couple. But not only is that point of view unrealistic, it’s also unfair.
You can only control what you do, so it follows that only you can fix the relationship problem that is caused by your actions. It’s an important step towards emotional maturity to be able to admit that you have shortcomings, and an even better start to be willing to do something to improve them.
Yet even if your partner could somehow pick up the slack for you in skill or willingness, that wouldn’t be quite healthy or fair, especially if it becomes a pattern. The fact is, a healthy relationship consists of two healthy, whole people, owning their stuff, sharing their happiness.
Not only is it your prerogative to improve your own self, but if you want a happy healthy relationship, you need to clean your side of the street. Work towards becoming the best person you can possibly be—on the whole, and as a romantic partner.
3. Love doesn’t always mean doing what will make the other person happy
We all have weak points. One of the great parts of having a partner is that you can take on the world together, hopefully filling in some of the holes in each other’s knowledge and capabilities. No one person can do, be and know everything.
That being said, in a healthy relationship there is a mutual wanting the best for each other, and by extension, wanting each other to be all you can be.
It’s important to be able to encourage each other to grow in a kind and constructive way. Being a support and a cheerleader of sorts, but growth is not always easy or comfortable.
Be gentle with your partner, because you love them. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold them accountable for their actions and responsibilities. Help each other learn and grow, when needed.
4. Celebrate the little things, the big things, and everything in between
Life goes by fast. Days go by fast, and they turn into months and years very easily. Especially when you’re in love.
Every moment between you and your partner is special, and is best enjoyed by actually living in the moment, but another thing to remember is that celebrations and traditions are important too. They can help you mark your time together, give you something to look forward to, and most of all, can help you both feel more appreciated.
Whether it’s a holiday or an anniversary, find out what special days are important to you as a couple, and make a point of observing them, and taking time out of your schedule to make them special. And when one of you achieves a goal you’ve been working towards for a while, don’t hesitate to go out and have a special night. This helps everyone feel seen, supported and loved.
5. Listen. Before you assume, before you argue, before you get hurt, really listen.
A lot of arguments start off as some kind of misunderstanding. One person says something, the other one hears wrong or assumes what they mean by it, then it’s off to the races.
As unfortunate as this is, there is an easy safeguard against this one. Listen as much and as well as you can. And ask questions! Sometimes a simple “hey did you really mean that?” can save you hours of nastiness.
And secondarily, try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt as much as possible. If you are with a kind person who loves you, they are probably not trying to hurt or offend you. Allow room for doubt before you steam with anger.
6. Winning an argument doesn’t automatically give you a good day
Gosh, I wish I had learned this one far earlier in my life, both in regards to my romantic relationships but also the others.
If you’re in a disagreement with someone, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s important. You just want to be heard and validated, and you want your point of view to be genuinely considered. Guess what? They want that too. You can do that for them, and even with if you two still disagree, if you can both feel heard, the fighting often ceases.
But if you go into a fight just wanting to win, that’s a recipe for disaster. We’re taught from a very young age that being right is important, but in a relationship, coming to a solution and being on good terms is much more important than being the one who was right.
If you fight for four hours and finally win the fight, you just wasted a large part of your day on unpleasantness, you and your partner probably both have sore feelings, and guess what? You very likely ruined the whole day.
For the most part, the blowup fights just simply aren’t worth it. And we know it, but we don’t seem to know it once we’ve already started one. The best thing you can do for your partner is attempt to shift your mindset from trying to be right to trying to come to a mutually beneficial solution.
7. Learning to trust is of paramount importance—to trust both them and yourself.
Having trust issues is extremely common. Chances are, someone in your past (family, friends, authorities, lovers) showed you that not everyone can be trusted. And this is a very true statement, not everyone can be trusted. But if you’re going to invest your time and attention and well, your life on this person, you need to be able to trust them.
It doesn’t matter how many people betrayed you in the past or how much you doubted your childhood teachers. It doesn’t matter what your partner did before you were together. All that matters is that you know you can trust them now, and that if they are trustworthy, you give them your trust. If you can’t trust them, then I couldn’t tell you more emphatically: you are wasting your time.
8. A healthy relationship isn’t 50-50, all the time
Everyone knows that in a healthy relationship, there has to be a reciprocity, a sort of fairness. And when there is a great disparity of responsibility, emotional or tangible, that will bring everything out of whack. If one person continually has to pick up most of the slack, that’s unfair and overwhelming. Decidedly not healthy.
But the thing is, life isn’t so clear cut as all of that. There are times when one partner will really be given big trials such as mental health struggles or a stall in their career or the loss of a friend, and so on. During these times, it is okay and healthy for the other partner to take the lead for a little while, in order to support them.
We need to approach life as a team to make happy and lasting partnerships. This doesn’t always mean that everyone will have the exact same amount of responsibilities at any given time. As life continues to progress and evolve, it’s important that we tailor ourselves, our relationships and our routine to handle it. It’s okay to be the strong one until your partner can regain their footing, and it’s okay to let yourself be taken care of when you’re struggling.
9. There’s a difference between toxic and frustrating
Not every day is sunshine and rainbows, even in a healthy relationship, even when you’re in love. You can’t be afraid of conflict in your relationship, or else it will end quickly or get into an unhealthy pattern of repressed feelings and people pleasing.
Sometimes though, we get used to being misused and we get into the habit of high reactivity. Just because something frustrates or upsets you doesn’t mean that you’re being disrespected.
Sometimes you are making something mean something it doesn’t actually mean, and sometimes you just need to chill. In fact, pushing the rage button too quickly is toxic too. Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re in the right.
10. Love is not all you need. But it can get you the other stuff
Now there are a lot of people that this may trigger, but honestly, a good relationship needs more than just love. I think when we’re young, we like to believe that love really is everything and that if you just love someone enough, then you’re good and you’ve found your happy ending. But this paradigm leads to a lot of broken hearts.
And after what seemed like a world of pain, lots of conversations with true friends, and professional help, I know that love is not enough. In order to have a happy, healthy, and long lasting relationship, you need to have trust, respect and support, from both ends.
The good news is that people can grow, and as a couple, you can grow together. In the beginning of a relationship you are two separate people with different and often undefined needs. As you both commit to each other and affirm you’re not letting go, you learn more about yourself and the other over time.
If you’re both committed to a long and happy life together, you start to settle into better habits and patterns over time based on your ever-evolving knowledge of the other person’s likes and needs. If you start off a relationship truly in love with the other person but not understanding them, there’s going to be a lot of misunderstandings and frustrations. If there’s enough mutual love there though, that can be enough to propel each party to want to continually do better, and that is a beautiful thing.
11. At some point, you decide who gets to be family
The infatuation stage that starts a new relationship is quite lovely. You think about each other all the time and just want to be together, holding each other. In fact, the simple presence of the other person is really all it takes to make you happy, in the beginning.
And it’s true that over time, this infatuation fades. But I don’t believe that love does, as long as you tend to it regularly. In fact, as you get to know each other and commit more and more, love deepens. You go through more challenges together and become bigger parts of each other’s life.
I don’t know how to discern what point it happens, but at some point, a partner really becomes your family, even more so than your family of origin. You start to create your own life together with its own rules and habits, and they seem to get you more than your blood family. It’s beautiful when this happens, and also a bit confusing at first. But what you soon realize is that you have made a new family for yourself in a way that you may never have known was possible.
This new paradigm is lovely, and when you experience it, it’s important to do all you can to keep it. This new family you’ve made is extremely valuable. So prioritize your partner, your new experiences and old traditions. Stick up for them when it seems like the whole world is against them, and you’ll realize that this family will be a lasting source of trust, comfort and safety.
12. It’s never going to be perfect
I told you that I’ve learned these lessons, and that’s true. But I’m not 100% on them, and neither is my partner. We’re learning more and more each day how to be better people on the whole and in our relationship, and that is so exciting and beautiful.
We have an understanding that there are going to be mistakes, but also that we will try our best to avoid them, and patch them up as they occur. It’s important to know that no matter how in love you are, the both of you are still human. Let that be okay, and learn to love through and past the mistakes. That’s the only way to stay together and happy.
I want to say a huge thank you to my boyfriend for sticking by me and committing to grow with me, instead of apart for these past few years. I know it hasn’t always been easy or fun but I love you with all of my heart and am looking forward to the days yet to come. Thank you for being my love, my life, and my teacher.
