Instagram models. Fanciful vacations. New lovers that make your blood pump and buy you chocolates. It’s normal to hope for indulgences here and there, and to relish them as they come. But what if life isn’t always about the next great thing?
Something to look forward to
We find it really important to plan and prepare for the future. We work so hard at our jobs in order to get a promotion, we save a bunch of money to go on vacation or get a new car or retire. Most of all, we spend our lives gearing up for milestones.
And I’m never going to tell you to stop preparing for the future. As I’ve said before, life is a balance between yolo and future preparedness. (You can find that article here). But when it comes to living a real and beautiful life, you need to prioritize the present moment.
Finding the now
We’ve all heard about mindfulness before, and some of us perceive it as a practicality. Others think it has a more new-agey stench. Whatever camp you’re in, hear me out.
You can save money for a vacation, find a partner and buy a house. Everyone says that things won’t make you happy. While that is true to an extent, you will never be able to feel satisfaction in any life situation if you refuse to actually live in it—whether that is from your possessions, your family, friends, job, or anything in your life.
The amazing part about having a partner, or a car, or a house, is what it can do for you in the day to day. If you’re too busy focusing on the next big thing, you won’t really be seeing, appreciating or noticing what loveliness you have. And vacations? They’re to relax and build memories. And you won’t do either if you don’t give thinking and planning a rest.
Mindfulness is what allows us to really live—that is, actually experience our lives. All it is is really checking in and deciding to focus and be present in the here and now going on around you and within you. It’s in the present moment that we can find joy, peace and love.
Is it really helpful?
Everything is going to change in your life eventually. That’s a non-negotiable. Your little baby will grow up, you and your loved ones will all grow old someday. If you don’t let yourself experience and appreciate things as they are now, you’re going to look back and wonder where your life went. Time goes by fast, but it goes by even faster if you’re not making memories and genuine, intimate social connections.
There are always going to be the big questions. What are you going to do when you grow up, what is your future going to look like, what defines you and your worth as a person? But you need to let yourself slow down and just be, once in a while. Otherwise all of those questions, whether or not they get answered, will be for nothing. (It doesn’t matter what state you get to if you just plan for the next one once you get there!)
How do I “practice mindfulness”?
There are many ways to go about being more mindful. I once knew someone who went in at it with a very rigid approach. They had a timer go off two times a day and every time they heard it, they were supposed to ask themselves, “how am I feeling?”
They felt very silly about this whole thing. There was a bunch of nervous laughter and sarcasm accompanying the practice, particularly in the beginning. It can feel strange in the beginning—like you’re shirking your responsibilities as a functioning member of society. (Spoiler alert: You’re not.) But to me, there was definitely a flaw in the approach as well.
The self-respecting path of mindfulness
I am personally a fan of a little less-structured approach. Getting in touch with the present moment is a lot easier emotionally when it isn’t forced. If you find yourself feeling numb, lonely, or disconnected, try leaning into that feeling, just out of curiosity. Can you feel it in your body anywhere? What do you normally do when you feel like this? What do you hear, smell, and see around you?
And it’s not just for moments of discomfort. If you get the idea of being mindful in any particular moment, give it a shot. A lot of people like to try mindful eating, for example. In mindful eating, you try to focus on the experience of your meal. What does it look, smell and taste like? Are you hungry to begin with? What about the company you’re spending it with? Then eat, without letting any distractions from the outside world in. Really commit to the experience in front of you, and pay attention to the growing fullness inside of you, until you feel satiated and conclude your meal. This approach has been shown to help people lose weight and enjoy meals and food more.
Or try mindful self-care, where you check in with your emotional and physical feelings, and make a point of gently nurturing yourself with respect to them. Maybe for you it’s a bubble bath, or listening to music or getting a workout in, but all of these things, done with purpose, focus, and in kindness to yourself, are wonderful ways to practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness, simplified
Another form of mindfulness is simply sitting in silence. Observing your surroundings. If you are stressed out or worried about the future, present or past just put that aside. It can wait for ten, fifteen minutes. Look out the window, take some long, deep breaths. Listen to your neighbors argue. Whatever. Just really key into this very moment and let yourself simply be. No goals, no problems to fix, just let yourself be as you are, and experience whatever you do.
You may find that your indifference, loneliness or frustration was, as cliché as it is, in your head. Sometimes we really worry too much. If we just let our worries go for just one second and looked at the world going by around us, things may not seem as urgent as they once did.
Benefits to mindfulness
Yes, checking in with the present moment will help bring you greater satisfaction in your daily life. It can also help you get really clear on your goals, dreams, and values. You can break bad habits, and make lifelong friendships by really integrating the teaching of mindfulness into your life. Basically, mindfulness will help you train yourself to make up your own mind about things.
They say that there are two ways of relating to things: consciously and subconsciously. Mindfulness can help you understand your subconscious in ways that you had never thought possible, as well as bring you closer to your desired actions by really clearing through the mental junk. We know our brains better than we think we do, but we actually have to look at them to realize what’s going on behind the scenes. In this way, mindfulness and introspection can go hand in hand.
The fact is, there is something that we all miss if we live our lives on autopilot. A beauty, a self-discipline, and a feeling of peace, direction, and clarity.
Does it ever go wrong?
I’ve mentioned discomfort and mindfulness already, but it may still be bugging you. After all, when you quiet down and notice things in your life, it’s not always going to be comfortable, is it? And what is the helpfulness of picking at your problems?
It’s true, introspection has always carried a potential for rumination. (Think of a person who has been in therapy for decades yet hasn’t sustained any discernible growth.) But there is a difference between mindfulness and cold, calculating analyzation. Mindfulness is observation, devoid of judgment. So while you may experience initial discomfort, it is not digging up problems in the way that you’d expect, so much as it is a way of noticing them and understanding that they can and do exist.
If you have a predisposition to distraction and denial, then the discomfort may persist for longer. But continue on anyway. When you break through to the other side where the deep breaths are, it’s totally worth it. You realize then that you don’t have to be perfect or the best or even great. You can enjoy life, improve, and have genuine and wonderful experiences as “imperfect” you in your “average” life. Because life is always there to be lived, if you know how to tune into it.
Your mindful life
When you master the skill of mindfulness, it will be like having a superpower. You can lose weight, approach situations with greater confidence, retain happy memories with amazing vividness, become less stressed, and sort out how you feel about people, places and things.
It’s a really simple concept. Letting yourself just sit back and observe your experiences: be they physical, mental, or emotional. And yet the transformative nature of cultivating a mindfulness practice is tried and true.
It’s about the little things
And it’s not something that is overwhelming or that you have to hit really hard to make it work. Just a couple thoughts here and there. “My back feels stiff.” “I’m getting hungry.” “Wow, that hurt my feelings.” “What pretty leaves on that tree over there.” These moments really add up. They add up to a life you have really lived, a headspace where you can really trust yourself, and a general feeling of well-being.
You need to let yourself live in the beautiful life that you’ve created so far. So that you can see how far you’ve come, and even where you’d like to go next.
So gaze longingly at your partner. Laugh with your coworkers. Dance to the songs you love on the radio, wear clothes that are comfortable and express who you are. Live—really live—in your life. Let it be real and loud and messy. And notice the little moments, because they’re what life is built out of.
