Back in the olden days, there were strict rules and expectations on everyone. Young people, old people, regardless of gender or race or anything, there were different sets of expectations that you were supposed to follow. And for the most part, people did. In a way, it was integral to society, that everyone knew what they were going to do and be for their whole life. Some of it was steeped in prejudice, some of it was down to tradition. These days, society as a whole is becoming more tolerant and open-minded.
Human drives and instincts
With this shift in values and expectations, we are left wondering what normal is, and can sometimes contract a fair amount of angst around the subject too. After all, there are the old ideas that feel so stifling, and then there is this big wide open world of concepts to wade through. It’s difficult to know where to begin.
Humans are very social animals, and we want to be accepted by our various groups that we associate ourselves with. Beyond acceptance, we want to be liked, supported, and loved. It is for this reason that we even have the drive to be “normal” in the first place. We want to fit in with the crowd, in hopes of receiving the love and support that we desire, and frankly, need.
But there’s another feeling that’s quite a common human instinct, and that is the drive to be spectacular. We can think of this as an extension of our want to be normal, in a way. We want to be liked by everyone, so we want to fit in to a degree, but we also feel that to be liked by both others and ourselves, we ought to stand out, have something special about us. And so, we fall into this common trap. We want to be normal, but remarkable. But remarkable isn’t normal. Normal isn’t remarkable. What’s a guy to do?
Fitting in
It’s become a cliche. A kid moves to a new school and has a difficult adjustment. Maybe their old school had a different cultural feel that they’d adapted to, maybe it’s just a new place, but suddenly they feel very…out of place. They have trouble making friends, maybe they start to become frustrated or slightly depressed.
It can be very lonely, not fitting in. Feeling isolated is uncomfortable, to say the least. It gives you a lot of free time to think. And sometimes, your thinking can turn into wondering. Wondering what’s wrong with you, and why won’t others extend their friendships to you? Maybe you are so different from your peers that they tease you, or talk about you behind their back. This is especially painful if you take it to heart.
Even if you fit in externally, if you feel inside that you aren’t like anyone else that you know, you can still get that lonely feeling inside. It can lead to some pretty desperate thinking, in terms of negative self-esteem. This sort of loneliness and disconnectedness leads many people to try to change themselves, out of frustration. (There can be positive and negative motivations behind deciding to change. To read more about this, you can check out my article here.)
This is where we may find a lot of adolescents. Trying to build themselves into something new, something that is approved of by their friends, peers, or prospective lovers. But it happens in adults too. We try to change our appearance, our hobbies, our goals, even to the point of lying about our life stories to be more like others around us. Honestly, it’s a pretty blameless thing. It just doesn’t lead to happiness or satisfaction. It can, however, lead to different sorts of mental disorders such as body dysmorphia or eating disorders.
The human drive towards exceptionalism
There is another sort of frantic mindset. In a way, the search for perfection or remarkability comes from an ego that is deadset in believing that it is not as good as other people. Not good enough to be accepted, and therefore has to fulfill impossible standards in order to love and accept themselves, let alone get it from others. So maybe the person who holds themselves to ridiculous high standards is after the same thing as the person who is just trying to be normal, like everyone else. They want to be loved and accepted. In a way, this person also wants to “fit in”. They just think they have to be better than everyone else in order to do it, often because of their perceived “less-than-ness”.
But now the world is so different. We don’t need to fit in with our groups in order to be of use to society, and we don’t need to be normal (or exceptional) in order to get love and approval from others. Or from ourselves. So what gives?
What even is normal?
I had a teacher who used to repeatedly say, “normal is just a setting on a dishwasher.” And honestly, it always baffled me. I suppose I had blown so far past the idea of normalcy that I was just hoping for some form of function at the time. But upon further inspection, I’ve come to think it was much more than a pithy saying.
The truth is, we all have different ideas of what normal is. We have different goals, likes, and experiences that lead us to different expectations and ideas about the world around us, as well as ourselves. And that’s all that normal really adds up to. A set of expectations. You expect the world to be a certain way. You expect most people to behave in a certain way or agree with a certain thing. And if you think you are normal, then you line up with that expectation. If you think you aren’t normal (for better or worse), then you deviate from the expectation you have for the majority of people. Simple.
Altering perspective
So if it hurts you to think that you are not normal, take this in. You are much more normal than you think. With the billions of people in this world, so many of them can relate to your views, your story, your dreams. All it would take is you coming into contact with some of them, directly or indirectly, to show you just how “normal” (i.e., not alone) you are.
And as for you who think that your worth lies in being something astounding this world has never seen before, there is always that trite old saying, “to the world you might be one person. But to one person you can be the whole world.” Go out and make deep, genuine connections. Be real and kind with others, and you will find more and more people who are willing to give that back to you.
Good news!
You can change your normal. Sometimes, we feel a bit powerless and stifled, because we think that our past dictates our future. But it doesn’t. Just because something is prevalent in your reality now, doesn’t mean it will always be a part of your experience. In fact, if there’s one thing we can count on in life, it’s change. It isn’t easy to become the person you’ve always wanted to be. But with focus and determination, you can positively influence the inevitable change that you are going to undergo as a human over the years. You can teach yourself new habits and mindsets that will propel you to your goals. So what do you want your new normal to be?
