There’s a lot of talk in the mental health community about setting boundaries with acquaintances and loved ones. We hear about codependency, independence and interdependence. We wonder what our lives can really get from these concepts. Are you good at setting boundaries?
Vocabulary
We can start off by defining some terms. A boundary is just a self-defined stop point or deal-breaker that you hold others to in regard to interacting with you.
Codependency is where you lose your ability to make decisions and choices on your own, and expect others to make decisions regarding your own life.
Interdependence is a term that doesn’t get used a whole lot, but is a term that means you work together with your loved ones to achieve mutual goals, helping each other and encouraging each other to do the things they are capable of.
Why we need boundaries
It’s said that the only people who will be upset at you for having boundaries are those who benefitted from you having none. Now I don’t know if this is true to the letter, but I do know that without boundaries, you can get into very sticky situations very quickly.
Here on the Thoughts that Bind, I like to believe that most people are good at heart, even the ones who do awful things. But there are people who really do try to test you, just to see what they can get away with. This is what people mean by the phrase “we teach people how to treat us”. When you meet people who are testing you and you stand up for yourself, they look elsewhere to find someone to take advantage of.
Around these sorts, if you don’t stand up for yourself from the beginning, they will continue to walk all over you, because they’ve learned that they can. So scenario one is lack of boundaries attracts domineering and careless people. But the second scenario is far more heartbreaking.
Not everyone is cruel and antagonisitc. In fact, most people aren’t. Yet even the most trustworthy people are not mind readers. Even if you have the best family and friends, they can’t save you from a lack of boundaries.
Someone who deeply loves you may say or do something that really scares or upsets you. They don’t see anything wrong with it, but due to unforeseeable circumstances, they have deeply offended you. If you say and do nothing about it, they will likely not stop, and it may even become what they perceive as an”inside joke” between the two of you!
This sort of situation has broken down even the best of relationships before, no one is immune. Not if you don’t have boundaries.
How to set a boundary
So what is the process of setting a boundary? You begin with an honest observation. If someone is repeatedly interacting with you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, angry or disrespected, then you may want to think about setting a boundary. After all, to some extent, we teach people how to treat us.
The next step is to determine what it is that bothers us so much about this situation. This way you can brainstorm ideas about how you would like to be treated instead.
Once you have a clear idea of what is wrong and what you need to feel safe and comfortable, you need to consider what would happen if someone chooses not to treat you in the way you require. Do you walk away? Is your relationship with that person over? This is where a boundary is created. “If they do ____, then the consequence will be _____.”
Next step is consider how to communicate your need and intention with this person. You want to cover each base: what the problem is, how you would instead like to be treated, and what the consequence will be if they fail or refuse to treat you with the respect you deserve.
Now it is time to confront the person you are in conflict with. Explain yourself and your new expectations. You want to remain respectful in this yourself. It is possible those person had no idea they were doing you damage, and all it will take is a conversation to change their behavior. So give them a chance to change.
If, however, you find that the mistreatment persists, you need to stick to your guns. You have already thought out the consequence for this, you need to follow through if it comes to that.
Why do we struggle with boundaries?
And that’s the scary part—the reason so many of us struggle to make boundaries in the first place. What if people just truly don’t care what they’re doing to hurt us? What if our struggle means nothing to them? At least if we don’t say anything, we can give them the benefit of the doubt. We will never know if there is a better alternative either though, so is it worth it to suffer through when we could be enjoying the presence of this individual?
We worry that people may reject us if we hold to our boundaries. Maybe we will end up with no friends at all! But that’s not how boundaries work.
Is boundary setting risk free? (Is it safe?)
It’s true, some people may not want to be friends with you if they can’t push you around anymore. But if that’s their perspective, they weren’t really your friend in the first place.
You may lose a lot of people when you first start setting and sticking to your boundaries. But the people you will lose are worth losing. Even if it happens to be everyone you know right now.
There are an abundance of people in this world, and a lot of them are really decent. A lot of them don’t want to hurt people and would be willing to modify their behavior for the comfort of a friend. These are the people who are worth your time.
Clearing out my friend list is so much work!
You may feel that it’s a lot of mental and emotional turmoil, effort and focus to weed out all the baddies and “energy vampires” from your social pool. Especially if it seems like everyone just wants to use you in some way or another. And you fear that you may be left with a sort of crushing loneliness, due to being rejected by the whole world. If this is you, I have two things to say to you.
- You have so much more to offer the world than bending to the will of others. You can make new friendships on the basis of mutual respect and enrichment. You can truly enjoy the company of others and be at peace within yourself by being a self-advocate.
- If you don’t do this work, you may not “waste” energy on this process, that’s true. But there will be energy waste all the same. Because constantly extending yourself to those who don’t care for you and only take advantage is freaking exhausting. And in the long run, it leads to a loneliness far worse than actually being alone.
You can live a life in which you teach people how to respect you, and build healthy, fun relationships. You just need self-respect and the consistent perspective that you are worth it, who you are, your future and who you are becoming are worth your time and mental sanity.
If you stand firm in what you know and stand up for yourself in what you need, then you will attract the kind of people who are willing to give it to you. Give yourself the chance to live a life of dignity, by setting and keeping boundaries. You won’t regret it.
If you want to hear more about setting boundaries, the process of it and my thoughts on the topic, you can continue your reading over on this post, which is sort of a boundaries, level 2 conversation.
