When I was a little girl, I was a very honest person. I never saw any reason to lie to anyone, and I could count the times I had done so on one hand. It was a beautiful thing. However, as I got older, I learned a couple lessons about honesty that would change my path forever.
What is a lie?
We start with the simplest topic first. If someone deliberately tells another person something that they know not to be true, then that person has told a lie.
There are different motivations behind lying, and because of that, there are different perspectives on it. As a society, we teach children not to lie, yet we all seem to think we are above that teaching as adults.
Most people who think it is not okay to lie under any circumstances mainly focus on one motivation, which is lying for purely selfish reasons. Sometimes people try to keep themselves away from the consequences of their own actions by covering them up.
There are other reasons people lie though. Some people lie to spare the feelings of someone else, or to take the fall for someone else when they know they can handle the consequences better. It’s important to recognize that not all motivations for lying are self-preservation.
White lies
There is also the aspect of the size of a lie. As in, people think that there is a specific kind of lie (the infamous white lie) that is inconsequential. If you’re just lying about something small, there is a narrative that nobody will get hurt.
This is untrue though. Even small “harmless” lies have a way of spiraling out of control, especially if this falsification becomes a habit. It is for this reason that we tell children to simply not lie at all. It simplifies a complicated subject. And while we have to deal with the consequences of the simplification, it seems good enough to deal with.
Confidentiality vs lying
Honesty is about more than just truth and lies though. It also has to do with what you share and what you keep quiet. Sometimes in life you will find yourself in a situation where people readily believe something other than the truth. If you know what the truth is, you have the responsibility to let them believe a lie or tell the truth. This can be a very sticky situation indeed.
Kids are really bad at this, and it’s one of the downsides of teaching them the simplified “never tell a lie”. They end up saying all sorts of awful things just because we don’t teach them the difference between confidentiality and lying.
There is a difference between lying and not telling everything to someone who either hasn’t asked or doesn’t have the right to certain information. In the end, it all comes down to intent. Are you withholding information to save someone’s feelings or to honor the confidentiality of a prior agreement? Then your silence is not lying.
Lie by omission
So if not telling the whole truth isn’t technically lying, where does that lead us? There is a fine line between confidentiality and lies by omission, but in the case of intentionally leaving out parts of the truth in order to deceive others, you can bet that’s not honest.
It can be easy to think that a lie by omission is “not as bad” as a flat out lie, because you are not purposefully lying to someone, you’re just letting them believe something that isn’t true for your own benefit. It’s more passive than active.
This thinking is dangerous. It is the sort of justification that lets good people do bad things. Particularly, if you are banking on someone’s trust in you that is not deserved, letting them assign you wonderful qualities that you don’t have, then this is just as bad.
The main difference between confidentiality and a lie by omission, is that confidentiality is pre-agreed upon and for the benefit of someone else, whereas a lie by omission is done for yourself with no prior agreement.
While lies by omission are not “technically lies”, the practice is not honest, and the effects are just as bad, if not worse, because of the justification it leads us to where we can convince ourselves that we really aren’t doing anything so bad.
Keeping secrets is dishonest too?
So this brings us to a parallel aspect of honesty, which is secrets. Is it dishonest to keep a secret? Well, yes and no.
In the case of keeping your own secrets, it may be difficult to make a distinction between a lie by omission. In fact, there is very little direction in this area, other than your own intuition.
There are, however, ways to make light of things. Some things are just personal. Not everybody needs to know everything about you, and it’s normal, natural and healthy to create boundaries around what you share with others.
There are two instances with secrets that you may want to consider blowing your own cover though. In these cases, keeping your own secret can be dishonest.
Is this personal fact about you someone else’s business? In the case of loved ones, you may have a secret that is personal, but has implications on the life of someone you are close to. It may be hard to come to terms with, but it’s pretty straightforward to analyze. If your secret is someone else’s business, then you should tell that person. They have a right to know, even if it’s embarrassing or upsetting.
Secondly, you must understand that not sharing your secret, while not dishonest, may in general be a bad idea. I think about a statement that is thrown about so often that it has become a cliché, but “people aren’t mind readers.”
Obviously you want to keep your private life private. That’s understandable. But if you expect consideration for something in your interactions with others, then you need to speak up. You can’t expect people to just check in about every little thing, because they just simply can’t anticipate your every need.
So if you need extra gentleness or protection around a tender subject, it is up to you to disclose your situation or need to those who are close to you, so they can have a chance to provide you what you need.
Why is honesty important?
This is where we begin to get into the practical necessity of honesty, as a rule. While it’s true that sometimes you want to keep things under wraps or hide them from others, the practicality of a society centered on honesty is clear.
We need our day-to-day relations to be honest so we can move forward in life, solve the problems that need solving and generally continue improving ourselves, our systems, and our relationships.
If we couldn’t trust the information given to us, we wouldn’t be able to build on prior knowledge or make anything of value. As a practicality, honest and general truth of information is very important.
But surpassing the utilitarian aspect, did you know that honesty, when paired with forthcomingness, is the true path to bliss?
It’s true honesty (from both parties involved) that allows us to make genuine connections. I’m talking professionally, socially, in family and in romantic partnerships too.
When we take time and effort to communicate and do it honestly, we build trust and reporte. We begin to get those enriching, soul-feeding connections, and we feel better about both ourselves and the world around us, because we are living up to our own values and we are getting it back.
When we are honest with ourselves and others, we never have to keep track of what story we told who, and we can be at peace with reality as it is.
I hope you take what I’m saying seriously, and that you consider honesty as a way of life for you. It will, in the long run, bring ease and genuine happiness, along with other blessings to your experience. And whether it’s a lie, secret, or lie by omission, try to be just a little more honest today than you were yesterday.
