Self-love vs. Self-improvement: Which is better?

  Self- love has become sort of a buzzword these days, and I’m glad for that because here on the Thoughts that Bind, true self love is a transformative and important journey to undergo. In fact, it informs nearly every post I’ve written on this site. Yet, I feel there are some misconceptions about self-love that are rarely, if ever addressed. It is for this reason that I have chosen to make this article today.

 When I was twelve years old, I discovered the concept of self-improvement, and right from the get-go, I was entranced by it. Everyday, I would focus on a new personal challenge, a new aspect of myself to change, improve and contemplate. Myself became sort of like the concept of a blank canvas, just ready to be filled.

Leaving others behind

  I noticed, however, that as I became more excited and serious about improving myself, I seemed to almost lose friends. They cared for me, and they wanted me to be happy of course. But it was like by changing myself, I was rejecting parts of them and leaving them behind. In short, they wanted me to be happy, but they wanted me to be happy with being like them.

  You may find that when you want to change yourself for the better, there will be people who just can’t seem to support your efforts. You may wonder why they seem so personally insulted. The thing to remember is that it’s not about you. There is a classic quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This is true. The issue is, we give others that consent so readily.

  When you are insecure about something, you have one of two choices. You can decide to change, or you can be defensive and embarrassed of yourself. Whichever choice you make will lead you to either make progressive changes to your habits, or to cover them up. Many people choose the latter.

  The people who are disappointed in themselves but don’t take strides towards their own betterment can become hostile and bitter around the subject, and the venom that they loose on you is really just a reflection of their own disdain towards their actions. Don’t let this reaction get you down. Do your best to remember it’s about them, not you, and avoid taking it personally. It only means something about you if you make it mean something about you.

The dark side of self-improvement

  It is true, that self-improvement can be either exhilarating or tormenting. I too, have experienced this firsthand. As I got a little older, I got obsessed with improving myself, and chose that consistently over, frankly, being myself. This obsession became something dangerous, as I was never satisfied, always striving for something more to offer me that new rush of feeling worthy, feeling like I was really working towards being somebody in my own right. I was so obsessed with achieving and becoming someone, I wasn’t able to appreciate that I already was someone, in my own way.

  This is when self-improvement can become dangerous for your mental health. Remember  the fixed and yet always changing nature of the self, if you use self-improvement as a way to disrespect or neglect the self, you are setting yourself up for disappointment (at best) down the road (and at worst, mental breakdown).

  When I became obsessed with self-improvement, I stopped celebrating who I was and bought into this narrative that there was always something better I could be, and that if I wasn’t striving for it to the best of my ability every day, at all times, then I was failing, and not just failing, but a failure. This is the toxic side of self-improvement. Yet there is nothing wrong with trying to follow your dreams and become the best person you can be. So where do we draw the line?

Self-love, as a concept

  It seems to me that the idea of self-love, as it’s presented the the general public, was introduced to sort of combat this toxic evolution of the self-improvement mindset. And as far as combatants go, I have few complaints. It’s a restorative concept, really. What would you do if you believed yourself to be good enough, right now, just as you are?

  This radical self-love turns into a paradigm of self-acceptance very quickly, and if you previously had a deficiency of self-acceptance, then it is very healing to take on this perspective. Self-love, like the beginning of my self-improvement journey, has taught me how to accomplish things I never thought I could before, and that aspect of it is quite amazing. (If you want to hear more about the self-love journey, click here.)

What self-love brings

  The idea of radical self-love has a great propensity for eradicating negative self-talk, if you walk your talk. And although there are other ways of doing this, the perspective of “I am enough” that self-love brings on the surface of it is transformative, healing, and beneficial.

  And yet, there can come to be a couple of snags in the fabric of this self-love ideology. Mainly, the toxic side of so-called “self-love” comes when you find yourself resonating with the sentiment of, “I love myself so much that I would never think of asking myself to change.” As I mentioned before, the self is fixed, and yet at the same time, ever-changing. It is impractical to think that you are not going to change, and it is detrimental to expect that of yourself as a person.

  If you become defensive of yourself in this way, that is just as good as putting a pause button on your personal growth. If you want to achieve your goals, gain wisdom or even become happier, it is of paramount importance that your embrace growth and change. If you find yourself abhorring the idea of changing yourself, your habits or actions, then your self-love practice has gone just as sour as someone’s self-improvement perspective who feels like they are never good enough.

Self-love and self-improvement’s intersection

   Nobody is perfect, and yet everybody is worthy. If you follow this sentence to its’ logical conclusion, then you will find that true happiness and achievement can only be found through a balance of the colloquial versions of self-love and self-improvement. You need to accept yourself to your core, so that you can take accurate stock of yourself, and so you gain the ability to use other’s criticism to grow instead of crumble, and so that you know what your next steps are. You need to allow yourself to dream of a bigger, better version of your life and yourself, so you don’t confine yourself to playing small, so you can appreciate the good things that come in small packages or speak with quiet voices.

  Furthermore, I’ve come to the unusual and unpopular conclusion that these two concepts, when applied correctly, include each other in their subsets. That is to say, at its’ healthiest, self-love is self improvement. The fact that you love yourself so much you have the gumption to not let yourself stay where you are indefinitely. That you care about your path, and your feelings so much that you don’t feel like you have to play small or defend your past mistakes or limitations in order to break through and finally allow yourself to become who you always wished you could be.

  I’ve found that self-improvement, without its’ toxic side, includes self-love. Sometimes, the greatest accomplishment you can make in a day is accept who you are, accept your past, and your failures of the day, and be kind to yourself. I’ve found that sometimes the feeling of self-acceptance, being gentle and caring with yourself when you’re home alone after a tough day can be a bigger win than actually fulfilling your goal.

Two peas in a pod

  These two concepts, self-improvement and self-love are unable to be broken apart and still function as a healthy perspective. They are two sides of the same coin, two facial expressions of the same person. They count on each other to stay viable, healthy, and transformative. When taken together, self-love and self-improvement are transformative. They can make you invincible, resilient, and radiant. You will grow, learn and achieve all that you desire and then some, and on the other side of the coin you will have a peaceful place inside where you can go to be safe and in love with yourself, with life, and with the world around you.

  If anybody ever tells you that you have to choose a side, don’t believe them. It’s not one or the other–it’s both. Self-love AND self-improvement, when taken together, will take you anywhere you want to go. Trust me.