There is a phenomenon amongst people who have their lives turned upside down, where they find themselves stuck in the past, even after they’ve conquered it. You see, after years (or maybe even a lifetime) of fear, anger, shame, abuse or pain, you begin to get in the groove. You start to believe on a daily basis that the world is going to end, the other shoe is always about to drop.
This belief becomes, in a way, comfortable for you. At the very least, it’s familiar and predictable. It can be hard to recognize when you’re finally free of your own personal hell, and even once you recognize it, hard to rely on. But once you realize that the nightmare is over, it’s possible for you to be able to start dreaming again, and build your life with a completely new dream.
Are you free?
So first things first, how to recognize that you are free. The easiest way to go about this is to think about all the things in your life that really terrify and enrage you. Go on, do it. We’ll get to the fun stuff in a minute. Make sure you’re in a safe place to do this, of course, but really let yourself go there.
Once you feel like you’ve covered everything, try to look at it all with an objective eye. Your feelings, the ones you’ve just opened up like a can of beans, are your present. But are the situations they arose from? A lot of people are walking around, tortured by their pasts of who they were and what happened to them.
Living your life through the eye of your horrific past isn’t wrong, but it’s not going to allow you to develop new dreams and life experiences.
The good news is this—if you find yourself living in past pain, fear or regret, you’ve got someplace to go, because your present life has moved forward, in some respects, without you! This is marvelous, because that means you are ready to start your new dream.
My life isn’t past my trauma
So what if you find that your current life is your living hell? Where do you go from there? Therapy.
I’m joking, but not. If your current life is truly one that is your worst nightmare, then it is up to you to do all that you can to cope with it and use all the energy you can muster to move beyond it.
If you will, until this struggle is tangibly in the past, you can assume one quiet dream—being free of it. This dream may not seem so beautiful or flashy, but I promise you it is just as worthy and elegant as a more extravagant one. And you will achieve it, I promise. No matter how bad it seems now, being free is a possibility for you.
You can go to therapy, to talk through your feelings and learn coping mechanisms. It’s also a good place to find resources that help support people like you who are going through the thick of life.
But there are other things you can do. There’s meditation, exercise, and of course, good old fashioned action. If the problem with your life is you, then work on self-improvement. If it’s a relationship, then repair it or terminate it. Try to find the root (or roots) of your struggle, and dismantle them if it is within your power.
But life just happened to me!
If your struggle is not a tangible thing to be eradicated, but rather a circumstance thrust upon you, that can be disempowering, for sure. It is important to learn good coping skills, self care, and to amp up your support system.
The good news, however, is that life circumstances change, all on their own. If you buckle up your seatbelt and ride through it, the best way you know how, you will find yourself on the other side of the struggle at some point, and then you will be able to move on to what we will call step two.
The beginnings of new dreams
While the starting place of new dreams is essentially the lack of immense struggle, that is not where it will stop. Dreams have a beautiful way of building on each other, if you let them.
Your first dream, born out of struggle, is to be free of strife in your day-to-day sequence. Perhaps your second dream will be to feel like a normal human again. Maybe you see yourself laughing or smiling instead of dying on the inside, maybe you see yourself going home to a full fridge and a warm bed.
The trick is to let yourself reach for these beautiful things, and not let your rational mind get in the way. It can be tempting to tell yourself that it’s silly to want something so much that’s so simple, and that your dreams should be fantastical in nature. That’s not true, and it’s not a helpful thought. These small dreams help you learn to feel good about your accomplishments, and help you learn to trust in life again.
So when you see yourself starting to come out of struggle or pain, let yourself go to the little pleasures that attract you. And let yourself thoroughly enjoy them. Even more than that, let yourself take credit for them! Say to yourself, “I did that. I brought that to myself.” Did you give yourself an extra five minutes in the warm shower? Great job! Maybe you bought and ate a candy bar? Wonderful!
It may seem silly or embarrassing, but it’s important to let yourself revel in these small things, and celebrate yourself for allowing them to be! You don’t have to tell anyone about this journey, either. It’s a personal one, and one that only you can fully appreciate. If you have a support person on board during this, great, but if not, I promise you, you can do it yourself. Pamper yourself. Let yourself enjoy it. Let yourself be proud of it, and be excited for the next time it happens. Learn to trust yourself and your ability to nurture and celebrate who you are individually.
Can we move onto bigger dreams yet?
Yeah, sure we can. It’s this path of paying attention to your small desires and gifting them to yourself, that will help you build up your trust in yourself and life to begin looking and asking for bigger things, dreams you might call more worthy and normal.
Don’t rush them. They will come. When you find yourself in possession of a larger dream, apply the same system to it. Pay attention to it. Nurture it. Believe in it, and allow yourself to have it. This is evidence of your healing from your past—a beautiful seed of the future you that is stronger, wiser, and healed.
Follow your desires, hold them precious—not too tight, and not too loose. Allow yourself the beautiful feeling of enjoyment that the very idea brings, and let yourself be convinced that your desires are there to aid you, instead of trick or tempt you. Your dreams, your desires, are beautiful.
What is your desire right now, and what are you doing to validate that for yourself? Leave a comment below to let us know. Today, my dream is that I will come home to my favorite person in the world and make a delicious meal to be enjoyed by the both of us, and I am planning out just what it will be based on what ingredients I have in my kitchen.
