Wounds from religion

  We live in a wonderful world today that is, as a whole, striving towards religious tolerance. And as a whole, I believe this to be a good thing. People deserve to believe what they believe, without being chastised or harassed for it. However, religious tolerance is not always extended to everyone, particularly by people who tend to benefit from it the most. And freedom from any religion, well that is looked down upon strongly.

  I’m talking about people who are religious. Most of secular society likes to adhere to the “you can believe whatever you want” manifesto, but often, people who are out there believing whatever it is they believe are very critical of others who don’t share in their belief system.

Being taught religion

  And within religious systems, there is a tendency (portrayed more as a frantic need) to pass these belief systems on to offspring. That is to say, if the parents are Christian, the children are usually brought up Christian. If the parents are Muslim, the children are taught the beliefs belonging to Islam, and so on and so forth.

  This isn’t irrational or strange behavior. Our parents teach us all kinds of things. Pretty much all of what we know in our formative years comes from parents, and it’s not surprising that with the knowledge of crossing streets and hot stovetops, comes their religious beliefs.

  Yet, as with situations of immediate danger, religious beliefs tend to be taught as fact in most families, not as a set of beliefs. And furthermore, we find that children are not given a choice if they would like to participate or not. At a young age, children are not able to make these choices anyway, but does that really justify making the decisions for them?

Detrimental religious beliefs

  I don’t claim to know about all religions. However, many of them have what is considered a moral system, and these moral systems are enforced not by facts, but rather, by shame and threats. These threats include punishment, withdrawal of all love and approval, future danger, as well as eternal damnation. And guess what? These threats hurt us.

  Think about it this way, if there was a teacher at a child’s school that told their classes that if they did not turn in their homework on time, they would be taken down to the boiler room and beaten and burned against the boiler, nobody would think that’s okay. And yet we do this. To each other, to children. And we think it’s fine.

  It’s not fine. The threats that religion makes (about hell, about “the devil” (insert whatever negative figure exists within the religion here), and the wrath of god) are threats and are psychologically processed as such, in the brains of children and adults alike. It doesn’t matter if they are said with a loving tone of voice. It doesn’t matter if they are spread with the best of intentions, they are threats.

Baggage from religion

  Growing up with a barrage of threats put against you causes psychological damage. If we wish to continue within the religion that we were given at birth, we often will not notice them, because we are operating within the reality of those beliefs. But if one day you grow up, and you find yourself not believing in what you were taught, you will find that you have a lot of work to do.

  I will speak about the different wounds that I have found time and time again in individuals who have left the faith of their childhood, either to a different faith, or to a lack of faith at all. I will present them in the order that I experienced working through them, although to some extent, I am still trying to find ways to cope and heal.

Not being supported by family and friends

  One thing that happens immediately is you will find a part of your friends and family who do not support you. Obviously, any person who believes in something with all of their heart will not agree with your choice to abandon it, however you will find that some love you enough as a person to support you in your decision anyway, so that you can be happy, healthy and intellectually honest.

  Others will not. It may come as a shock, the people you thought would be understanding may be the ones who cannot wrap their heads around your decision and refuse to even make eye contact. You will find that you lose some people completely.

  This can be very disillusioning. The people who were once so loving to you are now cold, distant or even aggressive. These tend to be the people who adhere to the faith the most.

Finding support

   It’s an extremely sad and lonely time for anyone who is struggling already with different ideas and psychological wounds. The best thing to remedy this, at least for the short term, is to find a support system, outside of the church.

  If you have any friends of different religions or no belief at all, hang out with them a little bit more during this time. And try to seek out public events that have nothing to do spirituality or religion. This way, you will still get your social needs met and you won’t have to worry about further guilt and threats. You may even meet some new friends who share your interests, goals and beliefs.

  You will find too, that after the dust has settled, some people will come around again. It’s your decision if you’d like to be open to reconciling a relationship after being insulted and heckled. Just know that you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Evaluate the relationship for how valuable it is (or was) outside of religion, and if you find it is worth it, go for it.

Trusting in yourself, not god

  The second obstacle is one of safety. In the world of psychological healing and treatment, a person who has experienced a trauma may develop PTSD. If someone has PTSD, they will not feel safe from moment to moment in their daily life. They need to learn to trust in themselves and the world around them again.

  This is not unlike leaving a religion. On one hand, you have indeed experienced some trauma. As I mentioned before religion is riddled with threats. Threats of God’s wrath, the devil and hell. This conditioning, coupled with the lack of God (the thing that’s supposed to keep you safe) can bring you to a place where you truly are afraid of conducting everyday life!

  It’s also messy, because as in the cases of much abuse, the thing that was making all the threats (real or imagined), is also what was posed as the solution. Although this concept keeps you reeled in for a long time, it can be key in healing to realize this. Although you were taught that religion was what would keep you safe, religion is what was making the threats in the first place.

  Whether you wake up tomorrow believing in God or not, the world will be the same world it is today. It will carry most of the same people in it, and most of the same laws will govern it. Although you may feel unsure now, remember that you DO know how to live in the world that seems so upside-down right now. You’ve done it every day.

Finding purpose in life

  Somewhere down the line you may find that while you’ve learned to live without your old religion, your life feels…meaningless. This shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise, really. We hear religious people say it all the time, “I wouldn’t want to live in a world where God doesn’t exist.” And that’s because they haven’t prepared for one.

  If you were religious all your life, you will definitely have heard the sentiment that the point of living is to glorify God, be the light of the world and bring other people back to God. If that is what you based your life on and it is suddenly lost, then it makes perfect sense for your life to currently have “no meaning”. But that doesn’t mean that life without religion is meaningless.

Finding meaning and purpose

  In fact, I have great news for you. In many ways, life without religion has more meaning. Well, rather, it has any meaning you want to give it! This can be felt in two ways. Pressure, or freedom. I say, why not enjoy it as a freedom?

  Now, you are allowed to make your life about anything you want. You can focus on any goal you want to try to achieve and you don’t have to worry about spending your time, money and energy on a being who needs your ultimate attention and adoration to sometimes protect you in return. (Heck, bodyguards are cheaper than that.)

  And you know what? If you don’t continue to act within the confines of your religion anymore, there is no reason your life needs to have any specific meaning at all, if you don’t want it to. Maybe you just want to be here to enjoy good food, good TV and beautiful sunsets. That’s allowed.

  No longer do you have to worry about being the light of the world, or an example for anyone. If you ask me, that’s a lot more pressure than deciding what to do with yourself on a day to day basis.

Dealing with shame

  This is the one that for me, is taking a long time. As we know, when we’re very young, we suck up information like a sponge. We learn and learn all we can about the world around us in a very short period of time. The problem is, we lack an ability at that age, to sort through what’s true and what isn’t.

  At this stage, many of us learn things that aren’t true, about ourselves and the world around us. It takes a lot of effort to unlearn these things as adults, even if we can factually recognize them as untrue. By this time, we believe them with the core of our being.

  When you’re religious, one of the things you learn is shame. This concept of shame permeates into so many areas, that we don’t even recognize how deep it goes. We learn to feel shame about our bodies (both for women and men), our thoughts, our feelings. We start to feel shame for both our wants and needs.

  Once we have these beliefs, they don’t even filter through our conscious mind anymore. And it doesn’t help that being brought up in the church, everyone around you reinforces these beliefs. In short, particularly as children, we don’t stand a chance in not acquiring these painful, destructive beliefs.

A way out of shame

  Unlearning shame takes a long time, and the best we can do is chip away at it, slowly. The biggest turning point in this healing, is realizing the shame when it comes up, and recognizing it as something that is not factual, and not helpful.

  If you can see your shame for what it is in the moment, you can make an informed decision for how and if you’d like to challenge yourself in this area. Let it come up. Ask yourself, “Is this serving me and my life right now?” If it’s not, take steps toward challenging that belief.

  You don’t have to do anything that you’re uncomfortable with. However, if you find your life significantly held back by your painful belief about yourself, you will find that eventually, you will want to challenge yourself in order to get past this pain to the freedom on the other side. I know I did.

It doesn’t just go away

  Don’t be hard on yourself if you find that your wounds from religion are lingering longer than you thought they would. Being told what to believe and that you are bad all your life, doesn’t just suddenly go away once you decide you’re done with it.

  It’s important to know that you’re not alone. Many other people go through this, and while they often don’t talk about it, it is a struggle when leaving a religion. It’s important for you to be able to sort through your own belief, thoughts and feelings on your own time, in your own way. It’s a very personal process, and other people are not entitled to your story and thoughts just because they ask.

  If you feel uncomfortable sharing your lack of religion with someone, or the struggles that you’re having coming out of it, don’t feel bad about keeping it to yourself. Perhaps someday you will want to share, but let it be in your own time. You don’t have to let someone else insert their opinion on a subject that is personal and vulnerable for you, particularly as you are just trying to figure it out for yourself. Give yourself some room to breathe, if you need it.