We’re all human, and as humans we have this innate sense of wanting to feel like we’re on the right track– wanting to be on the right track. This can give us a lot of different ideas of what that “right track” looks like with regards to forgiveness.
And it doesn’t stop there. Other than trying to self-regulate, we find ourselves bending to the will of others or even seeking it out over our own. We let our parents, friends, peers and religion all tell us what “the right thing to do” is.
It’s alright to admit you don’t have the answers, and may even be key to a healthy amount of ego (read: not too much). However, we can get into trouble when we expect all the answers to our life problems to be laid out for us on a silver platter.
Parents and Teachers
When we begin our lives, we are able to rely on our parents for all the information we need to know. They teach us things like, “Don’t touch a pan on the stove because it’s hot” and “look both ways before you cross the street”. These are lovely, important things to learn. As we grow up, hopefully our parents also teach us important life lessons about kindness, running a household and other things key to being a well-adjusted adult.
When we reach schooling age, our lives change considerably. We learn “lessons” that don’t have as much to do with survival or interpersonal interactions, but rather factual material. At school, we defer to our teachers, the ones who grade us. And there is always a right and wrong answer for every question.
We try to get as many answers right as we can, and as few answers wrong. And we start to get this funny idea in our heads, that there is always a right or wrong answer, and that authorities/other people are going to teach it to us.
Don’t “Should” all over yourself
I say “funny idea”, because it’s true. This idea is really peculiar when we consider how it translates into life lessons. We find a generation, a population of neurotic validation seeking, masked as solution seeking and consider it normal. In short, we look for the shoulds.
The truth is, there is no one in this world who can “grade you” on your life, although some people may try. And there is no one scale of morality or timeline for milestone events either. People can judge you, mock you, or discredit you, but they can’t give you a failing grade and keep you from completing your life goals. Only you can do that.
This area of “should seeking”, as I call it, can be especially prevalent in terms of forgiveness. I’ve already written a post about forgiveness, which you can find by clicking here. But today, a different aspect of forgiveness comes to the forefront.
Deciding whether to forgive (or not)
Forgiving someone for something horrible they’ve done to you is a personal decision, and one that must be treated as such. Of course, you may let people’s opinions into your decision-making process, for that is your right. But if you find yourself getting bogged down with the back and forth of who said what and who thinks what and what argument makes more sense, you may want to take a step back and reclaim the decision as your own.
There is an experience, which I believe many have had. When you are hurt, people expect you to be forgiving. Perhaps too forgiving, or too quickly. And this is painful. If this is you, there is one simple thing I would like to say, straight from me to you.
You have my permission never to forgive another person in your life.
I mean it. If you need to let yourself grieve right now, that’s okay. You are not responsible for caring for someone else’s feelings who has hurt you. Unforgiveness is not the same thing as lashing out at someone, just so that we’re clear. But there is no point in making your feelings about a subject wrong. Don’t sell yourself short or feel you have to abandon yourself to get some sort of acceptance from the outside world. You’re hurting, and you’re allowed to hurt.
Even if someone’s asking you to forgive them, you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to promise to try to forgive them. And you don’t need to work toward forgiveness. Ever. How does that feel for you? Does that feel mean? Wrong? Selfish?
Withholding Forgiveness
You’re not a bad person if you choose not to pursue forgiveness. Often we overlook some very good reasons to avoid a person or situation, in the name of “forgiveness” or “being the bigger person”. If you are not in this space, however, these concepts are not valid for you right now.
There are people who will tell you it will make you feel incomplete or guilty to remain in a state of unforgiveness. That might be true, for them. That might also be true for you.
If that’s the case, then maybe you do want to work toward forgiveness. Maybe you need time to hurt and feel and think now but sometime in the future, you will move toward a state of forgiveness and you know that deep down inside. And this is the path for you. It’s not necessary to push forward your timeline to fit someone else’s idea of a pious forgiveness. In fact, if you try to do this, you will often find that the whole thing collapses in front of you. You’ll say you’ve forgiven, but in your heart you have not.
So go on your own time into forgiveness. It’s not an easy practice, but if it’s something you feel called to, you can handle it.
Opposition of forgiveness
There is a second scenario. We find this one a lot less commonly, but it does happen. In some cases, there is an atrocity committed. Through the amazing grit of the human spirit, the victim wants to rise above and forgive, and yet finds themselves exceedingly conflicted.
We’ve all heard stories of Holocaust victims who survived to forgive the Nazis, parents who’ve forgiven the murderers of their children in court and other miraculous stories of “being the bigger person.” It’s true, they fill our hearts with hope that one day, we will be so forgiving too. We hope that in our years to come, we will grow more loving, caring and wise.
The truth behind these stories can be less than beautiful though, as there is more of a dark side to forgiveness than once thought. While it’s true that forgiveness is a wonderful, freeing feeling, there are certainly things that can put a damper on newfound freedom.
You see, not everyone’s always happy about radical forgiveness. Especially in the lives of people they’re close to. And there are many facets to this as well as examples of it. We think of the single mom who wants her kids to love her more than the deadbeat dad. Or the two friends who have fun gossiping about someone they used to know. Not everyone wants you to forgive.
“I want to forgive, but…”
And so, if someone wants to forgive someone who has wronged them or someone else in an incredibly harmful way, they may have roadblocks beyond their own feelings of forgiveness.
For example, they’ll ask themselves, “Does this person really deserve my forgiveness?” Then they’ll try to figure it out, yes or no, depending on their values and beliefs, their understand of right and wrong and they’ll try to make a judgement. But there is no objective answer. And to be fair, forgiveness has never been about that anyway.
They may ask themselves, “But should I really forgive this person?” Now this is a complicated question indeed because when we ask this we aren’t asking the question we truly mean. We’re asking in code, if you like. The problem is, we don’t tend to know what we mean when we ask if we should forgive someone.
Do I really want to let this go?
A good first step is to figure out if forgiveness is really what you’re trying to work towards in the first place. This may simply come down to how much you’ve healed and how much you still need to heal.
Unlike many people think, forgiveness comes with healing, not the other way around. It may seem at times that the two are intertwined, and they are, but make no mistake. This is not a chicken-or-the-egg scenario. There is a level of healing that is often required to begin forgiveness work, and rushing through your healing is one of the fastest ways to not forgive someone. So ask yourself this question in honesty. Are you really wanting to forgive right now? And if your answer is no, then focus on your healing. If your answer is yes, then continue your pondering.
Is this the “right path” for me?
Earlier in this passage we addressed this truth, but there is no one path for anyone. This can be either a source of anxiety or a source of freedom. Some days it may feel like both. But let me just simply say this. If you’re feeling drawn to forgiveness from inside of yourself (not pressured from outside sources), then it’s the “right path for you”. And if you’re not ready to forgive, then that’s the “right path”. It seems silly and overly simplistic, like you’re going to totally mess your life up. But you won’t.
True damage comes when you won’t let yourself heal, not when you won’t let yourself forgive.
Will I be comfortable with this decision down the road?
This is a scary question. We wonder about the implications of our forgiveness, and if we will regret it in the future. Sure, everyone says forgiveness is a lovely thing, but what if your circumstance is so horrible that it flies in the face of all conventional “wisdom”?
I hope to lighten your load a little bit here when I say that a state of forgiveness or unforgiveness is just that: a state. And like any other state, it’s not permanent. Your decision to forgive may change upon the day. Or your mood. It might depend on the aspect of the situation you’re talking about.
Even if one day you find yourself in the ultimate state of forgiveness and all’s right with the world, if you find yourself changing your mind later, that’s not a crime. It’s normal.
It’s not necessary to put so much pressure on yourself looking for your forever decision. Just look for whatever makes you feel a little bit better about your situation in the moment.
Some days, your relief thought may be, “I’m so glad I’m not like that”, and that is just as valid as, “I forgive them totally”.
Are they going to hurt me again?
You may be dealing with a pattern of abuse or toxicity. In this case, it’s definitely worth asking the question of if you will be hurt again. In these cases, the answer is usually yes.
However, that doesn’t mean forgiveness is out of grasp for you if you choose it. All it means is that you might want to redefine what forgiveness means to you.
You see, many people, when they think of forgiveness, think of this “forgive and forget” mentality, or second chances, and so on and so forth. But forgiveness is not a license to hurt you again. It may not even be an invitation for further interaction.
That’s right, you can forgive someone and simultaneously cut them out of your life. How’s that for flying in the face of conventional wisdom? Is that true forgiveness though?
I’m going with yes. You see, forgiveness is about the state of your heart. Whether or not you carry the pain of your past with you every day, everywhere you go. If you can manage to truly let go, you would see that forgiveness can exist with or without the presence of the person who slighted you.
We even see people struggling to forgive others who have already passed away. This proves that the other’s participation is not an important part of the forgiveness process. If the other person is toxic, or abusive, there is no need to give them access to your personal life in order to prove your forgiveness. Protect yourself, and from your protection, you may then forgive.
Am I responsible for possible future others?
In cases of a true toxic or abusive person, you may find that you have barriers to forgiveness because you feel the need to warn others. Again, this isn’t an either/or situation.
In terms of physical and sexual abuse, if you know this person to be a criminal, then don’t hesitate to report it. You are not a bad person or an unforgiving sinner because you report a crime that you “should’ve forgiven”.
After you report, you may desire to begin forgiveness work on your own or in therapy. Don’t worry about your status as unable to forgive. You can and will forgive if that is what you feel called to do.
In the case of a person who is toxic. We’re talking emotionally draining, manipulative, selfish, cold, creepy…it’s not really your job to save others. Neither is it your job to keep your mouth shut. If someone asks for your opinion about someone who really hurt you, you are entitled to give it.
Stating uncomfortable facts about what someone has done does not mean you haven’t forgiven someone, particularly if you are asked by someone who is likely to become their next “victim”. But think about what you’re saying and why you’re saying it.
If you find yourself compulsively bad mouthing someone in order to get other people to like them less, that’s not forgiveness, no matter what they did. It’s okay to have your opinion and share it when asked. And if you do end up saving someone the time and pain of dealing with catastrophe, they will likely thank you in the long run.
Is it worth the effort?
In your multitude of pain, you may wonder if forgiveness is truly worth it. It’s a common struggle. Even if you have forgiven many people before, a new sleight can bring up this concern again. This question is actually really simple to resolve.
True forgiveness is always worth it. Fake forgiveness never is.
I want to elaborate on this, for one sole reason. Most don’t really know the nature of fake forgiveness. Fake forgiveness is when you try to convince yourself that you’re healed and that you have forgiven someone. And the reason I say this is never worth it is because you don’t get the single astounding benefit that forgiveness brings which is emotional freedom from the past.
What fake forgiveness is not is cordiality. You may be in a situation where you have to interact with someone who hurt you terribly and find that it is much easier and more useful to just ignore the past for a moment to get through the scene faster.
This is not forgiveness, this is not fake forgiveness. This is prudence and maturity. And though this may be painful, it can often be less painful than drudging everything up in the presence of your tormentor, not to mention more productive.
Sometimes, your pain is private. And that’s okay. Just be sure not to try and hide it from yourself. (I’ve got an article on feeling your repressed emotions here, if you’d like to give it a read.)
Am I going to be judged for my decision?
Then we get to the meat of the situation. You might be judged for your forgiveness (or lack thereof) of a person or situation. That’s true. But that’s true of both sides of the coin. Here’s the thing though, you are the one who has to live in your brain. Nobody else. So it’s not fair to let other people dictate what should and shouldn’t go on inside of it.
If you need to be free, and you want to be free of your past, it’s okay to let yourself forgive. It doesn’t necessitate anyone else’s validation. But most of all, I want you to know that if you’re wanting to forgive someone, you have every right to do that.
You are allowed to be free of your pain and your burden of the past with this person if you wish to be. It’s okay to move on from your pain, even if at one point you thought you would carry it with you your whole life. You have no responsibility to defend your past self and the decisions you once made by sticking to an old, painful way of thinking. If you want to do and be something new with your incredibly finite and gorgeous supply of time on this planet, then do it. Run after this new you with all your might, and don’t look back.
