When you find yourself coming out the other end of a trial, it can be very tempting to want to scream it from the rooftops to anyone who will listen to you, and that is your right. But it isn’t your responsibility, and for the most part, it isn’t the best idea either.
I realize the boldness of this statement may be jarring, but not everyone needs to know your story in order to receive your support. In fact, it is often irrelevant.
It can be easy to think of life as a straightforward sort of thing. We’re born, we live. While we live, we try to survive and thrive. To be happy and successful, and to leave our mark on the world in some way. But the point of life is as diverse as there are people living it.
One thing that is universal is that while we live, life touches us. Now it doesn’t just touch us, it molds us. Each one of our trials and interactions changes us, on a minute or large scale level. We can’t escape this change, no matter how hard we try. Time changes everyone.
We can, however, decide how we change. Some of us choose to change for the good, while others have a little more trouble making that choice, depending on the situation at hand.
If you are someone who was able to take a challenge and turn it into a strength, a wisdom or a joy, I commend you. In many cases this can be a very difficult thing to do. You however, are one of the people who know that it is worth it.
And when you see others who were less fortunate than yourself in terms of perspective, it hurts. You want to hold them, and tell them that you’ve been through it, that everything is alright. You want to tell them that you came out the other side better than ever, and they can do the same thing, if only they would just listen to you!
This is a beautiful thing about you. You genuinely want to help others and that is so wonderful.
Your compassion can make you, but it doesn’t have to break you
The truth is, while compassion is a virtue, there are some pitfalls with being what I’ll call a chronically compassionate person.
You can’t save everyone
Firstly, it can be easy to see all of the people that are still hurting, or still relying on destructive habits to get through their day. And if you are a compassionate person, this can be very distressing because it feels like nothing you could ever do would be enough.
And to some extent, it’s important to accept this as truth. In a way, you will never be able to heal the whole world.
It’s important not to let yourself get discouraged about this though, because you will realize someday that you are able to make your biggest mark when you take care of your own emotional state first and foremost.
It’s true that many people don’t fulfill their potential because they don’t want to push themselves hard enough, but you also can’t give from an empty cup.
So when you find yourself trying to heal everyone around you, take a good long look at yourself. Are you healed? Are you coming from a place of freedom and abundance? Do you feel okay inside?
If not, maybe it’s time to take a step back for self care. And if so, make sure you stay focused on what good things you’re doing in this moment, instead of feeling responsible for the whole world.
You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved
Now, I’ve talked about this in terms of therapy before on this site, and you can find that article here. But essentially, if someone is going to change for the good, they’re going to have to decide it for themselves.
The phrase “you can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” is so cliché, and yet so true. The problem is that animals tend to know when they’re thirsty. Yet humans don’t always seem to know when they’re being presented with helpful information or a good opportunity.
The sad thing is, this doesn’t matter. Even if a person knows your concept could help them a great deal, they may not take it in. They may not be ready to even consider implementing it.
The thing is, changing for the good involves making resolute decisions. Changing for the worse doesn’t. In fact, changing for the worse is seductive, not because people want to get worse and worse, but because it’s easy. On the surface, it seems like you don’t make any decisions at all. But you do make a decision. The decision to stay small.
You can’t “save” anyone
It is so annoying, but you can’t actually save anyone. We hear people say that so many times, and yet we seldom stop what we’re doing to realize it’s true. Instead we overextend ourselves in toxic friendships because they “need our help”, and try to fix our partners, our parents; we try to fix our world.
But we weren’t born into our world to save it, like some sort of modern Jesus Christ. No, we were born into this world to live within it.
Any impact we make is going to be from highlighting a more attractive alternative to people who ultimately end up considering it. Not from forcing some way of being down a tyrant’s throat. Because, if you notice, tyrants never really change. They just get killed, overthrown, subdued. The way this happens is by enough people standing up for the alternative.
You can’t convince anyone that you are right. You can’t convince anyone that they are wrong. If you want something to change, there are two options. Number one, you can try to manipulate their fear. Or number two, you can submit to them an option that looks easy, beautiful, and so worthwhile.
If you truly want someone to change for the better, there is only one option. Ultimately, you can’t save anybody. You can only stand firm as model of somebody saving themselves.
So what does it take for somebody to accept a new way of being?
If you have come out of a difficulty and you want to coach someone on how to do the same, you’ll want to remember how you managed to make the change. Was it through somebody continuing to belabor the horribleness of your life experience? Probably not. So then it’s important to take a different approach.
Morality and activism
It can be especially difficult if you feel someone is morally out of line. You may feel outrage at why they don’t understand the harm their actions are causing, but remember, human rationalization is one of the strongest barriers to any positive change in history.
Most people have a great need within them to feel like a good person. We see this over and over again. We wonder how evil people can live with themselves, and they certainly can, because they don’t believe they are evil.
Many people think this doesn’t apply to them if they hate themselves, but that isn’t true either. In fact, human shame can be used as some sort of assurance. “Yes, I’ve done a very bad thing. But I feel guilty, so I must not be too far off the rails, right?”
We use guilt and shame as a shield. It can be overwhelming, and in many cases it is a very bad shield, but it works some of the time and is basically the other side of the coin to defensiveness.
If you are trying to affect positive change with others as well as the world around you, you would do well to attempt to avoid this area altogether in some cases.
“Why can’t you see you’re doing harm?”
When you want someone to start looking at a situation in a more compassionate way, it’s most effective to frame it in a way where you make it clear that you are not denigrating them to a “bad person” status.
Firstly, it’s not very nice. If you are trying to come from a place of compassion for a moral cause, think—why would someone listen to a mean person about compassion? Secondly, it’s not very effective. If you call someone a bad person, they will pull out their shield. That is to say, a defensive person will put up barriers, and an ashamed person will simply tearfully agree and do nothing to change.
No, it’s far more important to present them as a capable, kind person with the power to control their actions. You don’t have to be positive about a calamity taking place, but it’s important not to blame the person you’re seeking aid/camaraderie from. This will create a me vs. you mentality in them from the get-go, leaving you no time to plead your case, whatever it may be.
Finally, there is something called “attractiveism” which is essentially doing what you can to believe in a cause with all of your heart and still managing to find the balance, so as not to come off as a crazy extremist.
There is a place for radical truth. But if you face every personal interaction like a stand-off at a protest, you’ll find most people will want to block you out when you talk. If you want airtime in their brains, it’s worth considering turning down the volume from time to time.
What about someone who is hurting themself, not others?
This is where we come back to compassion again. Not to say that moral disgust isn’t motivated by some form of compassion, but true compassion, not warped by upset, is to be found in this category.
And here’s the thing, compassion is a lovely trait. But we get into trouble when it’s overactive. I’m not saying that you should turn down your compassion, but it’s important to examine it for what it is.
When you have compassion for someone (or even just take pity on them), you do something. Essentially, you assess their situation, you presume to know it, and then you perceive it as less than ideal, or sad, or painful, or whatever it might be.
You might be right. The situation may be sad, or frustrating or painful. And you might be wrong. It’s possible that the situation, as you perceive it, affects this individual in a different way than it would for you.
Yet, even if you are right, the next step isn’t as obvious as one might think. If someone is going through a challenge that perhaps you have been through and they feel as you did about it, you may not have the key to all their problems. But you can bet they have the key.
Do I share my story?
Some people are simply playing a different game than you. They use different rules to govern their life, and winning would look different in the end for them than it would (or did) for you.
In some cases, this fact alone may be enough to keep you from sharing your story, at least right away. And it’s important to have restraint, particularly if your story is personal and someone rejecting or poking fun at it will hurt you.
It’s also important to remember this though, your journey is your own. It is up to you to decide what is relevant and important for your life lessons. The same goes for any other individual.
Even if you were in the same situation. Even if you felt the same pain. Even if you overcame your past and you’re a new beautiful version of yourself, you need to let them have that autonomy too.
Because for them, winning, might look different in the end. You can’t presume to know their path. Maybe they’re not ready to come out of their pain yet. And frustrating though it can be for us who have a more mature perspective on whatever subject is at hand, that’s valid and that’s okay.
As convoluted as it seems, a victory will not be as sweet if there isn’t a major enough triumph. They will change when it hurts bad enough to do it. And they may not change in your way. And you might not ever see it. But just seeing you, being who you are, doing what you’ve done, will have planted a seed for them. I promise you.
Don’t let hurting people change your joy
You know what’s relevant for you. Deep down somewhere, you know what you ought to be learning. Don’t let sad people convince you that you have to be sad. Don’t let fearful people convince you that you have to be afraid.
If you feel called to forgiveness, bravery, transformation, then pursue it. Because it came to your heart for you to make it a reality, not to convince others of its validity. You are beautiful. Your journey is beautiful. Now run after it with all you have—alone, or with the world watching—it doesn’t matter. And give others some space to do the same.
