Last year at Thanksgiving, my family sat around a large table in front of a feast of food like we do every year. Before we got stuck in, someone suggested that we go around and say what we were thankful for. Again, like we do every year.
I had never been someone to count my blessings, but something that year had shifted for me, and I had been thinking about it all of that week. I don’t remember what I ended up saying, but that is because what I said to my family was different than what I truly had been connecting with.
Last year, as my family went around the table sharing their gratitude for having enough food, money, water, some also shared a sense of thankfulness for our gathering. That we may be able to see each other from time to time.
Meeting Gratitude for the first time
I was, for the first year, not digging, not scraping around the obvious bits of privilege that I’ve been given in my first-world, white girl life. I found that this year, I was really thankful to have myself back.
I had been struggling to find my peace for years, hoping that someday I could be happy with the path I had found and the person I was, and yet I never could find even minute satisfaction in myself.
For years, I was used to sadness, pain and disgust towards myself, and I have to say, it wasn’t pretty. And it’s hard to really feel gratitude for the food and water you have to fuel your life if you don’t really want any of it.
It was for this reason that Thanksgiving had always been an empty holiday for me. It doesn’t matter that you can find things to be thankful for, if you’re not actually thankful for them.
And so, having finally come out of my chronic depression to a great degree, for the first time I got in touch with the true feeling of gratitude. I was so grateful to have my true self back, it was like the floodgates opened.
This beautiful ah-ha moment led me to a year’s worth of gratitude practice, and I began to learn what it is and how it is beneficial. But you could look that up yourself on Google. So what I’m going to tell you about today is my journey with gratitude over this past year, wrapping up now, just before Thanksgiving.
As I said before, I realized that finding things to be grateful for was not the same as feeling real gratitude, and I took that lesson with me this year.
Pros and Cons of a Gratitude Jar
I began keeping what I called a “gratitude jar”. I took an old glass jar and stripped it of its past labels. Then, day by day, I filled the jar with little ripped pieces of paper containing things that I was truly grateful for.
I found that this helped me stay focused on things I was grateful for throughout my day, to find things to put in it. After a while though, it just became something I had to do.
I originally wanted to go back after a couple of months and look at all of the things I was grateful for, but I realized that in the practice I had become rigid and obsessed–not with gratitude, but with finding things to put in my jar to look back on later.
Ultimately, I decided to change my approach. I realized that by obsessing with my jar, I was missing out on my life. I was so convinced it would be fun to look back on what I had been grateful for, I forgot the best part about gratitude was that it honors this moment in time.
Subconsciously, I was telling myself that I would need things to look back on, as if in the future, there wouldn’t be as many things to be thankful for.
I think it’s easy to get lost in this confusion, particularly when people are trying to build a legacy or achieve any specific goal, we build up importance of some pretty silly things, and stop valuing the present moment the way we ought to.
After my gratitude jar
I decided I needed to change my perspective a little bit. Because while looking back on happy things is nice, it’s so much better to enjoy what’s currently going on. And I realized the more I savored something in the moment, the more I remembered it anyway, regardless of if I wrote it down.
So I began to forego my writing gratitude practice and instead decided to replace it with an embodiment of gratitude practice. I would try to get as much joy out of each thing I was grateful for in the moment, instead of trying to squirrel it away for later.
Once again, I felt the overwhelming wave of that beautiful feeling and realized that this was worth it. I became happier, more excited and even healthier upon starting this practice. It helped me realize some truths about thankfulness.
1. Real gratitude will make you cry
Now by you, of course, I mean me. This comes from me noticing the difference between a “count your blessings” mentality and a real feeling of gratitude.
It’s good to acknowledge where you have acquired an advantage, but the part that’s really good for your soul is the part where you realize how truly beautiful your life is, in small aspects as well as on the whole. For me, when I truly connect with the expanse of beauty around me, I cry.
2. Authentic thankfulness may be personal
This ritual of sharing what we’re thankful for is good because it helps us get in that mindset. If you’re not close to your family though (and extended family), you may not be as willing to share what you’re really thankful for at the Thanksgiving table this year, and that’s okay.
I realized that while I do appreciate having a job, family, home, and food, those aren’t the things that really inspire me and bring me to gratitude. I might be grateful for a really beautiful sunrise, meditation practice, or seeing an especially adorable puppy.
And these things may not translate as well when shared with others. However, they are just as beautiful, sometimes more beautiful, than acknowledging that you may have more material wealth than others. It’s okay to let your soul celebrate what truly lights it up.
3. Gratitude for small things is equally beautiful and beneficial
You may feel silly that the things that really inspire your soul are small, instead of “large successes” or “truly consequential things”. But practicing gratitude isn’t about how awesome you can get.
In fact, the more you can be thankful for little mundane things, the more you will find yourself feeling thankful consistently, which is a beautiful thing, especially when it’s instead of feeling worried and lacking.
In fact, your gratitude may have nothing to do with you. Maybe you just see a heartwarming interaction between two individuals and you’re so grateful there are people like that in this world. That’s still gratitude, and it is beautiful.
4. Gratitude brings strength
Many people would say that gratitude is its own thing, separate from joy or strength or perseverance, but I have found that it results in all of these things.
Thankfulness brought me so much joy moment by moment, it overran my underlying sorrow and emotional wounds. And when I was in touch with this joyful gratitude, I realized I was much stronger. I was able to take disappointments in stride.
I was also able to be more rational and see past my current situation. This allowed me to move into the future with less fear, worry and anxiety. Just a calm persistence that this was the direction I was going and somehow it would be okay.
So with this new perspective on thankfulness, what am I grateful for this Thanksgiving?
Other People
I’m thankful for people. People that I love, people that I know. It is only through others that I can learn to see myself, identify myself.
Other people give me a purpose, and they give me a reason to become better. If I didn’t know others, I wouldn’t be motivated to help others.
Other people are my teachers. They expose me to new information and perspectives each day. The very existence of others is a catalyst for learning and growth.
Most of all, other people enrich my life. I am so grateful for every moment that I get to spend with my loved ones—it gives my life depth and joy, regardless of a good day or a bad one.
Time
I’m thankful for time this year. Because time brings change. Time brings wisdom. Time brings healing and reconciliation.
I’m thankful for the days that my schedule is wide open and full of fun opportunities. And I’m thankful for the busy, stressful days as well, where it feels like I have no time at all. Even then, I’ve been given the day to live.
Kindness
This year, I am thankful for kindness. I see people treating others with gentle compassion and warmth, and it makes my heart break with joy. I am so glad to know that even in dark days there are still people out there who want to spread joy and happiness throughout their world.
I am thankful for the kindness I am able to give others. Some days are more difficult than others but I am so grateful that even when I am hurting I can help someone else and make them smile. This brings my mood a much-needed boost when I’m down in the dumps.
And ultimately, I am thankful for the chance to live through another Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for the person I was one year ago, and for how I discovered gratitude.
But moreover, I am thankful for the opportunity that life gives me to not be the same person I was last year. Each day, each year, is a new chance to reinvent myself, and I am jumping at the chance to learn, grow, and evolve into a new version of myself that I am proud of.
Although, if I’m being honest, once I’m at the Thanksgiving table with my immediate and extended family, I’ll probably just say that I’m thankful for my new apartment or something. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
