How to create a safe space to feel in

Recently, I wrote a post about the importance of getting in touch with your feelings. You can find that post by clicking here. I hope I’ve been able to convince you to take a look at your feelings from an honest perspective. If so, you’re in the right place, because today I’m going to address the question of, “How do I start?”

1. Find a Physical Place.

Part of creating a safe place for your feelings is having somewhere to do it, at least at first. I’m not saying that it’s dangerous or a bad idea to feel things in public or around others, in fact it’s a quite healthy and beneficial thing sometimes.

Once you’ve reconnected with your feelings on a base level and can handle daily life alongside feelings, it won’t be necessary to have feeling be such a private event. For now, however, you need to be able to work through your emotions without the distraction of what others may think or feel about it, until you’re comfortable sharing this part of yourself.

So find a place where you can sit comfortably, and where you won’t be interrupted for a while. Good places for many people include their bedroom, a park, or a natural landscape such as a forest or sitting beside a river. (I’ve also known people to go to graveyards! This is a tad strange to some of us, but if you cry in a graveyard, most people will assume you’re visiting a loved one and leave you alone. Something to think about, I guess. )

2. Block Off Some Time.

If connecting with your feelings is too intense for now, consider having a concrete start and end time. This way, you won’t feel guilt for not sustaining a longer session, and you’re a lot less likely to go into overdrive due to biting off more than you can chew.

At this point, it may feel cheesy to say, “I’m going to take 20 minutes for my feelings today”, so you can avoid framing it that way. Remember that emotions are simply another piece of information to navigate situations with. Perhaps telling yourself, “I’m going to use these next 20 minutes to explore this information I’m unfamiliar with” could help soothe your concern that you might be “going soft”.

3. Block Off Some Recovery Time.

If you have repressed your feelings for a long time (or say, your whole life), it can be draining to immerse yourself in them. For this reason, it’s important to schedule a transitional time where you come back to your “normal, performing state”, if you will.

Now of course, what you do during this recovery time is up to you. However, I suggest something that will change your physical state such as taking deep breaths, stretching or even some light exercise like walking or dancing.

If you’re not physically inclined, perhaps you’d like to do something more mindless or soothing. Mundane tasks can be really good for recovery time, like folding and sorting laundry, vacuuming, or cooking. If you find yourself needing soothing, try taking a bath, having a cup of tea or putting on a sweater and some fuzzy socks.

Whatever you do, it’s important not to just throw yourself back into your busy, crazy, stressful life before taking care to seal off your vulnerable time so you can feel back up to par. This way, you can keep your time all to yourself without it bleeding into your daily life in a frequent, unpleasant way.

4. Bring Supplies.

Depending on what emotions you have lurking, you may need different supplies. That said, you can start with the basics. Access to drinkable water is important. Allowing old feelings to rise to the surface can often bring forth tears–your body’s natural release. So if your safe place does not have water available, bring some of your own to safeguard against dehydration. Along the same vein, tissues are also good to keep with you.

Other things to have on hand will be anything to make you feel physically comfortable. It’s easier to sort out your feelings when you aren’t distracted by unwanted physical sensations. So pack your sweater, pillow, blanket and comfortable shoes. Dress in layers for adaptability, especially if you might get overheated from embarrassment or anger.

If you’re going to be outside, remember sunscreen and insect repellant, because sunburn and bug bites are two distractions you don’t want.

5. Prepare Your Space.

There are certain things you will want in your physical surroundings to feel ready to open up to your emotions. First your space needs to be clean and free of clutter. A space filled with too many objects and strange smells can be too distracting, for one. However, personal clutter can also bring back many painful memories and trying to process them all at once can leave you feeling overwhelmed.

Next, if you are inside, see what you can do to control the lighting. Bright, fluorescent lights are known to create a biological stress response, so reducing them is beneficial. Also, different color lights can help with moods. For example, blue lights can be soothing for anger, while pink and red lights can comfort sadness and so on. If you find yourself preferring a certain color of light, go with it.

6. Consider Altering Your Schedule.

What time of day do you have time for your feelings, and how has that been going? You may find that certain times, while convenient for your schedule, inhibit your return to functioning on a daily basis. Anger, for example, may be better explored at night when you are less likely to come into contact with someone shortly after and end up saying something you don’t mean that hurts their feelings. While sadness, despair and loneliness explored at night could prove disastrous– perpetuating itself and festering. All of that isolation and lack of sunlight could negate the positive effects of feeling your emotions, instead producing the habit of wallowing in them. This is an easy line to cross if your aren’t careful.

7. Decide What You’re Going to do Beforehand.

Let’s be honest with ourselves here, we didn’t get into emotional turmoil overnight and we won’t get out of it by just feeling our feelings once and being done. It takes patience as well as commitment to fully heal.

One of the easiest ways to keep yourself from being discouraged is to take one issue at a time and commit yourself to a small chunk of it. This way, you can see yourself making and achieving small, doable goals, instead of looking at your progress as if it weren’t enough.

For example, instead of trying to accept that you’re an angry person overall, it would be more manageable to feel your anger towards Sally when she ate the last cookie yesterday and didn’t even seem sorry. This is a minuscule example, sure, but it’s important for us to understand the necessity of small, bite sized plans. It’s great to dream big, but make sure that your plans are not overwhelming so that you can see yourself making progress.

Now that you know what creating a safe space entails, you can set out to do it! I hope it feels a little less confusing and scary now, but just in case, here are some things to remember.

This is your time.

It’s not necessary to share this with anyone. No one has to know you’re doing it, and you don’t have to share your experiences with anyone else if you don’t want to. Your feelings are your personal business.

You are in control.

Have you tried to commit to more time with your feelings than you can handle? Cut back a little. Does your practice feel silly or uncomfortable? Change it to where you feel more comfortable.

You don’t have to follow someone else’s path to connect with your feelings. It’s perfectly acceptable to create your own, even if that means putting it off a little longer due to life events or situational stress.

Feeling is not weakness.

And refusing to feel is not strength. By getting in touch with your feelings, you are simply committing to obtaining a wiser and more complex point of view. You will not become incapable of handling your life. Instead, once you and your feelings are on the same page, you will be able to handle and understand even more than you do now.

There you have it! You’re ready to create your safe space. If you found this helpful, be sure to leave a comment to let me know, as well as if you have any more questions about safe spaces.