Why on earth would I want to feel my feelings?

 

   Criers. We all know them. They can be annoying, frustrating, and confusing. Most of all, they make us uncomfortable. All we want to do is solve a problem and then there go the waterworks, right? 

The problem with repressing emotion

  Maybe we have something to learn from these sensitive souls, though. We’ve come to know that repressing our emotions can even lead to physical ailments, not to mention further emotional distress. 

   Our stress levels are higher with unmitigated emotions, leaving us at a greater risk for heart attacks, sleep disturbances, as well as issues with regulating our food intake. 

   Even so, we continue to repress, because we think the alternative poses greater risk. 

   We think to ourselves, “I would never want to burden someone else with my feelings like that. How weak do you have to be?” In fact, our feelings are even a burden to ourselves. 

What can “feeling”  REALLY bring me?

  But if we feel our feelings, will we really see improvements in our lives? It’s easy to see that repressing emotions can lead to health disasters, but what is the alternative, really? Does feeling and expressing your emotions really bring you positive changes?

  I’ve found the answer to be yes. You see, I wasn’t always so “pro-feelings” as I am today. I saw feeling and expressing my emotions as both a risk and weakness. 

More—and better—friends

   When I began expressing, it was an interesting shift. I found I had more friends, and they were actually the supportive, kind type of friends—ones that I wasn’t used to having. 

   I attribute this to people liking to be around genuine people. Friendships are better when you make authentic connections. And if you fail to make a real connection, then it’s less of a friendship and more of a business transaction. 

Less stressful relationships

   I also found that my relationships (with my family, friends, peers and the world in general) were a lot less stressful.

In a way, allowing myself to feel my feelings was an outgrowth of honesty. I was able to be honest with others and myself, and I was able to stop worrying so much about what other people thought of me.

 I didn’t feel like I was constantly hiding from everyone, and the people who I felt secretly disliked me, now actively stayed away from me. 

No secret enemies

   That being said, it seemed that I had slightly more people who disliked me, that’s true. Not everyone is a fan of having to deal with other people’s emotions, or even their boundaries. There are those people who would rather just bend you to their own will, not having to consider you are an individual as well. 

   More people were moved to pick one side or the other when it came to me. They either liked me or they didn’t. That’s where I got new friends, but not all the old ones stuck around. 

   For me, this came with good perspective. I knew that the people I was spending my time on were real friends. I knew that they supported me and liked me for who I was. I didn’t have to worry about subtle frenemies anymore. 

Getting to know yourself

   Most of all, feeling and expressing my emotions helped me realize that maybe loving myself didn’t have to be so scary after all. It helped me get acquainted with myself in a way I never had before. 

   We think that we know ourselves, because we spend all day in our own heads. The fact is though, not everyone has a high level of self-awareness. 

   When we repress our feelings, we reject a part of ourselves and although it continues to exist without us, we are not able to access it. When we learn to accept our feelings and emotions, we begin to uncover different aspects of ourselves that we never knew existed. 

Learning to love yourself

   It was a while before I finally was able to sort out the bulk of my feelings. Sometimes there’s still more to do. But by doing the backlog of emotional work I had been avoiding for years, I learned what it would look like to start not hating myself, which was something I had grown used to.

   The reason for this is by avoiding my feelings, I was avoiding my true self. I wouldn’t let myself set boundaries or really even register my likes or dislikes. I wasn’t familiar with my authentic self, and thus, became very afraid of it. What if the real me was a monster? What would I do then? 

   I learned that neither my emotions or the true me were as scary as I worried they were. I also learned that not only am I a pretty cool person, but I am able to grow and change. I became aware of habits I had gotten into that didn’t reflect who I wanted to be as a person, which was the first step towards changing them. 

Feeling first, expressing later

   The first step is feeling, not expressing. And for some, that’s the scary part. It’s personal, and there’s nobody who can save you from your feelings. We worry that by acknowledging our feelings, we are weak—or we will become weak.

And remember, you don’t necessarily have to express your feelings. Especially at first you may not want to. Your feelings can be just private things.

If you take it this way, you don’t have to worry about what others may think of you for feeling your feelings. You don’t have to worry about being perceived as weak or cheesy. You can hold off on all of that and just get comfortable first.

Strength of repressing

   I know you want to be strong, and I’m so proud of you for wanting that. But sometimes being strong means accepting your current position. 

   You are beautifully flawed, just like everyone else. And the miraculous part is that any of us have managed to make it this far to begin with. When you look back on your wounds, take a moment to pause and appreciate how much strength you really have, to live through that. 

   And on the bad days, understand that you don’t have to abandon yourself or your feelings to be strong. 

   Take comfort in knowing that you have done the part that needs you to be the strongest on the outside, which was surviving the trauma to begin with. 

Feeling—a new kind of strength

   Now, you’ve entered a new stage, one of healing. And this stage also requires strength, but it’s strength of a different kind. When it’s time to heal, you need the strength to not abandon yourself. It’s an inner strength. 

   This kind of strength gently bubbles up from within you and says, “it’s okay to be afraid.” In fact, it’s okay to feel anything that you do. You become a fortress for yourself. You can privately say all of the frightening horrible things that others don’t want to hear but need to be said. 

   It’s this strength that allows you to heal. When you allow yourself to feel as much as you possibly can of what is there, you will see that there is not much room for action or revenge. You will find that, having been traumatized, your feelings are too big to be expressed by words or actions, they simply must be felt. 

Denial gets you nowhere

   In our society, many people are afraid of expressing feelings. We think that if we give ourselves room to hurt, to hate, we will hurt other people or get stuck feeling that way forever.

   In fact, the opposite it true. If we don’t let ourselves feel our emotions, they stagnate and begin to rot. If we finally express them after so much time, they squeak out in strange, and sometimes dangerous ways. Yes, when we refuse to give ourselves space to hurt and feel, we end up hurting ourselves and others. 

   You see, negative emotions are no different than other problems, which is to say that ignoring them won’t solve anything. You have to accept reality in order to change it, and you have to acknowledge your pain if you want to heal. 

Won’t i be overrun?

   It isn’t unusual to be afraid of what might happen if you break down the dam in front of your emotions. You worry that you have kept everything in for so long that you won’t be able to handle everything that comes out. 

   Your worry is valid, but unnecessary. Your feelings are no threat to you, and they will not turn you into a monster. Feeling is not a prison sentence and will not set you back. 

Tear it down to build it back up

   Instead, think of it as knocking down a house that has shaky foundations. You see the house in front of you, so it’s easy to believe that it is fine. But the house is weak, and crumbling. You need strong foundations to have a safe house. 

   When you begin to allow your emotions to flow, it’s like tearing down the dangerous house. It’s destructive, and your life probably will never be the same again. 

   That being said though, it is this destruction that allows you to create something brand new and healthier than what you’ve always known. In fact, you will find that when your and your feelings work together as a team, you are able to handle situations with greater ease. 

Your feelings aren’t what you’re scared of

  Remember, it’s not your feelings that hurt you in the first place, but rather situations and experiences. All your feelings did was let you know that you had been traumatized. Kind of like a “don’t shoot the messenger“ situation.

   This is why we’re afraid of our feelings. They sometimes have scary news to give us. But thank goodness there’s some sort of indicator, or else we might never understand that we’re in danger  or hurting to begin with! 

Feelings can help us be more logical! 

   The great thing is that understanding this truth about emotions will help us look at things from a more logical perspective. No matter how strong our feelings are, if we can keep the perspective that they are messengers, we won’t be overwhelmed by them. 

   In fact, I find that since I started allowing myself to feel my emotions and feelings, I am able to make better and smarter decisions, because I am letting in all the information that I have. 

Feelings are just that—information. They are a superpower you can learn how to use for your own good, like making decisions. They are not the be all and end all, simply another tool in your belt to understand and interpret the world around you. And that is nothing to be scared of.

Are you afraid to feel your feelings? What is your biggest worry when you start? And if you have done your inner work, how is your life better for it? Please leave a comment below so we can all learn from each other.