I’m embarrassed about my past! (Dealing with shame and guilt)

   When you’re trying to better yourself, it’s good to get lost in the momentum of it, because it’s a long term goal. Recovering from a mental disorder or trauma can take years, after all.

  Once you’ve gotten your momentum and you’ve made a lot of progress though, you may look back and feel some sort of guilt or regret.

Regret about Recovery?

  I’m not talking about regret towards the path you’ve taken. Bettering yourself is the best thing you can do, and once you’ve seen substantial results, you will not regret the hard work you put in.

  No, I’m talking about a different kind of regret, which can be just as paralyzing.

I Wasted My Life

  After a couple years of therapy, reflection and recovery, I scraped around the fringes of this guilt for the first time. I looked back and just thought, “how could I have wasted so many years hating myself?”

  To this day, I still look back with regret sometimes. It hurts to see how much pain I was in. I truly hated myself and hit the self-destruct button frequently. My whole life was pain, and then punishment for feeling that pain.

Who I Became

  I’m so grateful to be in a place where I care for myself now, and when I look back on who I used to be, it hurts. I feel like I wasted so much time that I could have spent being happy and exploring the world.

  I am proud of the person I have become today, and the person I am continuing to build. I am strong, loving, and often, I am happy. But I have to remember, that was not easily earned.

How I Got Here

  When I was in the depths of despair, I would look back and forth between giving up and my dream. When I was writhing in torture, I would use my last modicum of energy to reach for my humble dream—this person who didn’t hate herself or the world.

  And I would fall short, over and over again. But each time, I would land just a little bit closer, even though I didn’t see it. And those little bits added up to a measurable difference. Eventually, each teeny victory, stacked on top of the last, led me to living my dream. 

How to Deal With the Guilt

  This is why I can’t judge my past self. I know that some days, it took everything I had just to say, “I will try again tomorrow”. I think of all the skills and tools I learned along the way, and how hard-earned they were, and I know that I got here as fast as I could.  And if you want to read more about the long, slow nature of this sort of journey, you can read this post about what it takes to truly recover and build a life you’re proud of.

  When you wake up living your dream, you will know that you always had what it took. Until then though, you don’t even know it’s possible.

But I Did Some Awful Things

Maybe you’re not embarrassed about who you were, maybe you’re feeling guilty for what you did. But you know what? It’s not that different.

What is your life like now? Have you worked hard to become the kind of person that you want to be? Are you, in fact, a different kind of person?

If the you of today would not make that same mistake, then it’s time to move on. Certainly, do the best you can to make amends, but remember that it’s not other people’s job to forgive you. If you’ve really done all you can to make it right, and you would never do that sort of thing again, then it’s time for you, too, to move on.

Accept the person you are here and now, instead of being anchored to who you were last month or last year. It’s okay to grow and change. Continuing to play the role of villain made beggar won’t do anyone any good, even the person you want forgiveness from. They will forgive you or not, on their own time.

Present-Tense Reality Check

  In fact, you don’t have to just use this knowledge retroactively. It’s the same process I use when I’m being hard on myself for not already having achieved my personal goals. I know that I am doing my best. Since I am taking the long road, it might take me a while, but if I do my best and my intentions are pure, I will reach another state that the person I am today would be astounded by.

  It’s important to be patient with ourselves, both our past selves and the selves of today. All we can give is the best that we have, and if the best we have is a meager amount, then give it. Don’t feel bad about the meager amount.

You Have, And Will, Grow!

  You built skills over time, and you can’t judge the slow progress you made in the past by what you could do now. You don’t laugh at kindergarteners for not knowing multiplication, you just teach them what is appropriate for their level. The same goes for you.

  Let yourself learn, let yourself grow. If you are embarrassed every time you are ignorant, that is not conducive to your evolution into a new, wiser person. There is no shame in being wrong before, unless you know better now and choose not to correct it out of spite. If that sort of thing is a problem for you, you may want to check out another piece I wrote entitled “How not to be a hypocrite”, by clicking here.

  Do you feel embarrassed or ashamed by your past? Let it go! You’ve grown now. Be sure to share this post with your loved ones on social media and face to face, to give them permission to grow past their embarrassment and regret.