It’s important to hold yourself to your own standards in life. Nobody wants to listen to a hypocrite, even though they give the best advice. It’s so hard to walk the walk though, and I’m no different.
“I can’t make you do the exercises.”
I remember after three years of therapy, some therapist told me, “well, I don’t really know what to tell you. You’ve heard all the coping mechanisms and you know all the explanations. I can’t make you do the exercises.”
At the time, I was outraged. Still to this day it kind of bothers me, because I had in fact, been doing the exercises, they just didn’t work for me. (Cognitive Behavioral therapy was not for me, but that’s another story for another day.) However, this woman’s insensitivity stuck with me for a while, leaving me pensive on what more I could be doing.
I’m a careful person
Fast forward a few years, after terminating therapy I find myself on my own, dealing with the same brain I’ve had all my life. I’m so used to myself that I hardly know what’s “normal” anymore, but I know what’s my normal.
I’m used to my brain, how she learns something quick but feels confident slow, needing to be outlined every ebb and flow. I’m used to the tactics and diversions I put up trying to convince myself and others I don’t know what I’m talking about, as protection in case I get something wrong. I have always wanted to be sure of something before I take action.
As a young person in school, I had really benefitted from my cautious nature. I didn’t get into trouble by breaking “stupid rules”, and I would do anything in my power not to let my teachers down.
Reality Sets In
But real life doesn’t always let you pause or luxuriate on a new skill. Sometimes you really have to risk something in order to gain, and after graduating high school, I kept on dealing with that reality. Getting a job, finding an apartment, fixing a relationship—some things just can’t wait. Real life is not like school. There are no “due dates” for success, and if something is important to you, putting it off may make you lose, not be better prepared.
So here I am, at 20 years old, learning how to drive a car. It’s important to me to be able to have a skill that many other adults have, so that I can see myself as their equal, but driving has been an emotional challenge for me.
Driving, My Mental Challenge
It’s not like I’m too unskilled to operate a vehicle, all my problems have been within my mind. I never thought myself capable of making all of the decisions necessary to drive a car, and I’ve been so afraid that I may mess up and hurt someone really badly.
I’ve been so afraid that it’s kept me from making an appointment with an instructor. One day, I just thought, “I’m never going to learn this way.” It’s true! If I don’t get behind the wheel of a car, I’m never going to learn how to drive. I can study all of the rules of driving and all of the little buttons and pedals, but knowledge won’t suddenly translate into skill. The only way I’m going to learn is to actually drive.
And driving isn’t the only thing you have to learn by doing. Practicing coping skills or mindfulness, loving your partner, getting acquainted with a new job. You need to be able to face the things that scare you if you want to learn them. In other words, you don’t have to start your own New York City taxicab right after getting your permit, but you do have to get behind the wheel and listen to your instructor if you want to be a person who knows how to drive.
Soon, I’m going to get my driver’s license. I know that I’m going to master this skill, and when I look back, I’ll smile because I was so scared but I didn’t need to be. All I needed to do was start.
Facing Your Fear
So, how do we get ourselves to start something that is scary for us? How can we hold ourselves accountable for our goals and dreams, in the face of our fears?
To me, the most important step was convincing myself that I really needed to take action. I’ve learned that if I believe in something with conviction, that I am a force to be reckoned with.
Get Yourself Uncomfortable
I convinced myself by looking at the big picture. I needed to see what my extreme cautiousness was doing and how it was hurting me in the long run.
And instead of rationalizing it, I had to sit in it and really feel and understand the risks.
Respect Your Own Time
I had to learn to truly respect my own time. I’ve always felt that being punctual to meetings and get-togethers was a must. It was simple respect of other people’s time. And yet, I didn’t respect my own time as something important.
I told myself to think about the time that I was wasting, and what could be done with it. I was wasting lots of time by worrying and trying to figure out possible scenarios. This was time that I could have been using to plan my next step, but most of all, time that I could have been relieved, hopeful and excited instead of fearful, anxious and making up more unlikely hypotheticals.
Use Time Responsibly
I wasn’t just wasting time. I was using it to torture myself. Each little moment that I waited, I found another reason to be afraid. And when I found a new reason, I became more afraid than I even was in the first place! I thought I would become more equipped to deal with the possible adversities but actually I became less.
When you hold yourself accountable for facing your fears and learning new skills, life is exciting and new, and potentially, yes, exhausting. But isn’t that a better alternative to all the regrets, prolonged suffering and what-ifs? What if you could do something really amazing but you’re holding yourself back out of fear? Aren’t you always going to wonder, just a little bit, what you were truly capable of?
You are the Solution
There is no magic bullet to make yourself face your fears. It’s about discipline and not letting yourself off the hook, which isn’t fun. It’s uncomfortable, doing the things that you’re afraid of. But if you are able to convince yourself that the growth you are going to experience is necessary and worth the discomfort, then you stand a better chance of really acting this intent out.
Have you ever had to face your fear? How did you overcome it and were you surprised with what you were able to accomplish? Let us know in the comments, so we can all learn from each other and share our accomplishments! Also, feel free to share this post on social media and in real life, to start the conversation about facing your fears for personal growth.
I really needed this post! Absolutely love your way with words and your ability to be transparent with your own stories x