So you’ve felt hopeless and devastated. You’ve been terrorized, humiliated, and confused. You’ve decided you have had enough and can’t take it anymore, and you need to know the next step towards moving on.
It’s important to go through your mourning stage. You may ask “what is there for me to mourn?” That depends on your specific situation of course, but many people need to mourn their past self, a loss of innocence, maybe the loss of a relationship. It is important after your world gets shaken to the core to take time for yourself. You need to rest, cry, and maybe even try to hope and dream again.
This stage does not last forever, however. When a crisis first takes place, you may feel like your life has been irreparably damaged, and you will never be the same again. And you won’t be the same, never again. But you can get your life back and start to feel better.
At a certain point, the mourning stage must come to an end. You may feel doubt, but when the time is right you will know deep down inside you that it is time for you to move on.
And if it’s not time, then it’s not time. Don’t push your boundaries to conform to someone else’s timetable. This is unhealthy, unhelpful and quite frankly, can be dangerous. But when the quiet, calm voice inside of you tells you it’s time to move on, follow it.
We need to realize that life keeps moving forward no matter how bad we’re hurting. And by holding onto our feelings of hurt, blame and fear we are holding ourselves back from the lovely, strong, wise person we will be once we come out the other side.
Sometimes, life involves putting on your big girl (or boy) pants and facing all of the thieves and liars in your world. I don’t mean to victim blame. What happened to you was real, it was awful and you never should have had to go through it.
It’s not fair, but sometimes in life you’re going to have to be the best even though you are the most handicapped. You’ll have to be the kindest even though you are the most traumatized. Because no one else is going to do it, no one else can solve the problems you can. And if you’re doing that for someone else, knock it off. But if it’s what you have to do to live your best life then do it with all your might instead of sitting on your butt rationalizing why you shouldn’t have to.
Some days it doesn’t seem like you’re making progress. Or maybe you know you are but it stings or you feel so empty. But if you keep your head high and stay committed to your change and to solving problems, these days strung together will yield your biggest transformation. It is what we choose in these days, when we are all out of steam, that defines us in the future. These days make up our character.
So when we’re ready to move on and we’re done with our mourning stage, it’s time to make our lives about us again. You need to fall in love with yourself (your current self) all over again. Get to know this new person, what they like and dislike, what they hope and dream. Nurture them in their dreams, and hold them when they’re feeling tired or sad. You have to honor your feelings, even if they are different or even opposite than they were before. In this way, you will start to get your life back, and it will be about you—not what happened to you.
In the beginning of this new stage, it can be easy to fall into guilt. We are embarrassed that we were hurting for so long, that we couldn’t just move on or let things go. (I have a whole post about this stage if that’s where you’re at. You can find it here.) Don’t fall into this trap. Where you were was just fine for that moment. You did what you needed to do to get to this point—the part where you are going to move forward with your story. Your pain was real, is real. You’re simply deciding not to let it stop your life anymore. You’re deciding that you need to stand up and be something more for yourself.
Today is the day that you decide who you’re going to be tomorrow, and hopefully you’re deciding to be a person who’s moving forward in their life instead of looking over their shoulder. Because the world is watching you. In times of exhaustion and overwhelm remember that the world is watching you, so that they can see if maybe, just maybe, they can step out of their pasts too. Because if you show you have the strength to stand up to injustice of the worst kind, then one more person may think that it’s possible for them too.
We’re here today because we are survivors, not victims, of great pain and suffering. It may not happen tomorrow or the next day but someday, if you stick with your decision to move on and get stronger, then you will be able to say that you are stronger than the person who hurt you, maybe you will even be stronger because they hurt you. Either way, it’s so much more satisfying than hurting for the rest of your life. But it takes courage. It takes tenacity. And it takes love. You can overcome your worst nightmares. We can all do it, together.
Are you in your mourning stage right now? Has anyone told you to “just get over it”? Or is it time for you to move on and build something bigger than your pain? Join the discussion by leaving a comment. Remember to share this post with your loved ones who need to hear it, and on social media to offer it to those whose stories you don’t know, so that we may rise together.
