How many times have we heard therapists say that they can help you, but you have to do the work, or that you have to really want to change? It’s so cheesy and cliched but it is very true. The fact is, if you don’t personally find a problem with your behavior, you are very unlikely to ever change–even if everyone you’re close to is getting hurt.
In so many mental illnesses and addictions, we find that there is a stigma. A person feels embarrassed or even demonized for being “weak” and succumbing to say, depression or alcoholism. And on some level, this can work toward something positive. If the person can find a way to use this embarrassment and shame as fuel to get better, then you can definitely say that there was a point to the guilt.
So, why do we see these stigmas as wrong and bad? Well, there are many good reasons. It’s simple enough to say that shaming someone, anyone, for a problem they have when you don’t know them or their life is wrong. For me though, the negative side of stigmas goes a lot further than this.
If someone is very ill, they can become entrenched in their illness, and on some level, begin to incorporate it into their personal identity. When people judge them, shame them and get angry with them, some (many) may retreat further into this identity of theirs. In some way, these self-destructive behaviors–though not actually conducive to thriving in everyday life–are what makes them feel safe.
Specifically when someone is first getting help, it is of paramount importance to not shame them. You cannot shame someone into getting help, and you cannot embarrass someone into being healthy. These behaviors are not healthy to begin with and breed nothing but more self- sabotage and a you vs. me dynamic. Someone has to have a base level of health and self-love to be able to take criticism and turn it into something worthwhile, and there is a difference between honest concern and shaming behavior.
Someone who is just beginning to get help may know that they want to change, but they often have not developed personal or advanced reasons as to why. Until someone is secure in their recovery (and has worked out how to recover, and why they want and need to), it is not the time to lecture them about how annoying or difficult their illness is for you.
Another cliche that is equally important is that when recovering, the person doing so must do it for themselves. You can start recovery for anyone–a friend, a lover, parents or siblings–but that will only take you so far. In fact, I would go so far as to say that recovering for yourself is the only way to sustain recovery.
If you are self-sabotaging, you are doing it for you. You are doing it (subconsciously) to feel safe. If you want to have a hope against this behavior, then you have to learn how to consciously get better for you, so that you can feel happy, whole, and at peace. You need to want to change, you need to learn your own reasons why, and you need to want it for yourself.
